Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
**Lunch with friends
**A night at home watching movies with hubby
**Bedtime snuggles with the worlds most perfect child
**A whole new vocabulary from the worlds most perfect child
**The not so fine art of blogging
**Love sweet love...
Christmas Fat and other random thoughts...
As always, it starts out with good intentions. A little taste of this and a little bite of that.
I want it all -- Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. Two hands gobbling up things like cookie monster.
Ok - So maybe it wasn't all that bad. Maybe it just felt that way. But in hind site it did seem like gobblegobblegobble.
Only a couple of pounds. Nothing too bad. All of my clothes still fit. It isn't like I went up three sizes. Nothing is too tight.
But even that couple of pounds my skin feels too tight. My fingers feel like they are going to pop. Like in the summer when you swell from walking in the heat. But this time, my rings still fit. Actually, they are still too big. Even my shoes are still loose.
But I have gained. NOT the direction I want to go in.
I have another fill scheduled for 12:20 pm on Monday. I am hungry 2 hrs after I eat.
There are a lot of things that I can not eat still. Sometimes I get depressed driving past fast food restaurants. I miss not being able to stop and get cheese burger. I remember when I was a kid and McDonald's cooked their onions on the grill - that was before everyone and their brother was allergic to everything. I want that fu*king cheeseburger. More than most an imagine. But if I take a bite, it will just come back up. One bite will yield a half a cup of spit. So no cheeseburger for me. Actually, no ground meat products for me. If it is late enough in the evening and my band is relaxed/open enough I can eat a little ground meat. Until recently - I never had a problem with steak. Only once did it not work out so well. I can no longer eat doughy bread. I am ok if the bread is toasted.
What I DO have a problem with is SUGAR. Cake, candy, Christmas cookies all go down just fine. Icecream, also fine.
Willpower -- None.
I also have not been exercising. I NEED to exercise. I HAVE to exercise. It is really the only way I can continue to lose weight. My body has proved it is not the kind of body that can do it on dieting alone.
And no matter how or what anyone says - this IS a diet. It will ALWAYS be a diet. I will never be one of those people that can just eat whatever and never have to pay attention to it. I will always have to count protein and fat grams. And calories. And I am ok with that.
Like everyone else - I need encouragement. I need understanding. I need love.
I wish you all each of those things and so much more.
289/234/To get back on track (mini goal -- to lose 14 pounds)
Friday, December 25, 2009
** My wonderful friends from here and around the world
** My family - The one I was born with and the ones that I chose
** A baby that slept late on Christmas Morn, almost like she knew Mama and Daddy were up til almost 3am putting her kitchen together
** A day in our pjs
** And as always - Love, sweet, sweet love...
Merry Christmas, everyone!!! Whether you are with friends and family today or spending it alone -- I hope you have peace in your heart...
Monday, December 21, 2009
The past 7 years have been full of ups, downs and sideways. You have given me the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is amazing and has made us better people. She looks like a tiny version of you, has my temperament, and is truly the best of both of us. She is perfection in human form.
I count my blessings each and every day. Our marriage might not be perfect, but it is ours and I love it.
Thank you for everything that you do and everything that you are.
I would say "I do" all over again.
I love you,
Friday, December 11, 2009
So for those that have wanted to see what I look like -- This is it - My before and my current!
Here is to my next mini goal of 220!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
"The weight is not coming off."
"I should have had the other surgery."
"I had this done 3 months ago and have only lost 20 lbs."
"I feel like I am dieting."
I belong to a couple of support group forums, chat boards, weight loss forums and other places. I hear these things all of the time. What did you think you were getting yourselves into? This is not a magic fix.
I did not wake up one morning and weigh almost 300 pounds. I am not going to wake up tomorrow and weigh 120. I am sure that if I had gone the bypass route I would weigh MUCH less by now. I would probably be down 120 pounds instead of 60 pounds. But with the band I still have all of my hair, do not need to take additional vitamins (other than the normal daily ones I have always taken) and all of the calories and nutrients I take in get absorbed.
Yes, it is work. It is a LOT of work. It is HARD work. It IS being on a diet. I pay attention to what I eat. How much I eat. When I eat, etc. This is the way that normal people do it -- They just do not need to do it as diligently I do.
"I am just waiting for my fills to start working." "I am just waiting for proper restriction."
Waiting for something to happen? Stop waiting and be proactive. Again - this is NOT magic! Nor is it rocket science. Eat less, move more. Just because you CAN eat a ton, does not mean that you SHOULD eat a ton. Keep in mind that you spent a ton of money for this surgery - it is a tool - not a magic wand. Why would you spend $30,000 and then woof down a whole pizza!?!?! Just because you can?
Doing things because you could is what got you here in the first place.
All of these things frustrate me to no end. People just waiting for life to happen to them. People waiting for weight loss to come to them. People waiting for someone or something to do the work for them.
Do the work yourself. You will be a better person for it.
Of course I may just be projecting.
A friend called to tell me he bought me a jacket. What size, I ask - Always my first question when it comes to clothes. It's an Extra Large. I cringe. ya wasted your money, babe I thought it, I didn't say it out loud. I go over to his house last night. He is all excited after a little bit and says, Oh yeah - your new coat. More cringing. I HATE trying things on in front of people. The embarrassment when something doesn't fit makes me want to crawl UNDER the bed. He pulls out the coat. COOL! It is beautiful. Ya think it will fit? Of course it will. It will fit like a glove, just like it should. really? Do you know me!?! come on.
I should mention this friend is a fashion stylist. AMAZING taste. Owns his own clothing resale business. To me - His word about clothing is GOLD.
He helps me on with the new coat. And it fits. Like a glove. He was right.
Speaking of coats - I found another on yesterday. I REALLY expensive coat that I had bought at the thrift shop for about $5 last year. It didn't even come close to fitting. But I figured that I could always sell it on Ebay at some point. Well, I found it wadded up in the bottom of an closet yesterday. When I bought it -- I couldn't even get it up over my arms. Yesterday - It fit like a glove.
Sometimes I feel like I do not know myself. I will catch a glimpse in the mirror and do a double take.
I have had people say that can't tell I have lost any weight. They say they never noticed my weight. Yes, I know they are just being nice. I am down 5 sizes and over 60 pounds lost.
It is a big adjustment. But I am adjusting...
Life is pretty good.
289/231/for this IVF to work
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I feel like I am telling a deep dirty secret. My husband said to me the other day that it was like eating with an old girlfriend that was bulimic. NOT something I was striving for. Am I bulimic? No. Do I think I am or heading in that direction? No.
Where am I going with this? I am not really sure. So I would eat, sometimes things would stay down and things would be fine. Sometimes they would get stuck or come back up and I would go back to having dinner.
For the past few days I have been keeping track of calories. HOLY MOSES! I didn't think I was eating that much. I have been taking in 12-1600 calories a day. That is a lot -- too much. I am still doing Zumba about 3 times a week if not more.
What do you eat in a typical day? How do I get my calories down and still stay full?
I called in and scheduled another fill on Monday. I am getting hungry about every two - three hours.
This morning I decided to do a little protein shake fast for a couple of days to see if I can break this plateau.
I am thrilled with my weight loss so far - But I want to get back into it. We are going to try to do another IVF soon.
289/between 220-232/mini goal size 18 before the end of the year
Friday, November 13, 2009
I have always known how hard it is to break habits. And am learning now it is even hard eating wise and in my personal life. I have MANY of them to break and wean myself from.
I was working and on a break - I work from home for those of you that do not know - I was HUNGRY -- I walked by a bag of raw almonds, counted them out in my hand (good, right!?!?!) and then proceeded to toss nearly the handful into my mouth. WHAT THE...!??!?! So I opened my mouth - like you would with a dog that had just grabbed your favorite shoe -- let them fall back into my hand, put them in a bowl and ate them like a normal person.
It is things like that that made me fat in the first place. MINDLESS EATING. Just chowing whatever and not thinking about it.
The good news is that I am now thinking about it.
289/229/to start counting calories and fat
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I looked in the mirror tonight and did a double take -- FINALLY my boobs stick out farther than my stomach.
When I looked again in the mirror -- I saw that my back was flat. Not bunches of back fat.
I work out harder when I can not see myself in the mirror. When I see myself I remember how fat I still am...and how much farther I have to go.
I went to breakfast with friends the other day and I fit into the REALLY small side of a booth. When we went to sit down I saw how small it was and tried to get to the bigger side to no avail. So I planned on squeeeeezing in and being uncomfortable. I slid in with no problem.
All of my new pretty undies that I bought three weeks ago are now a size too big.
A friend was nice enough to get me a size 20 jeans - I am running out of clothes that actually fit and are not huge on me - I looked at them thinking that they would be WAY too small (they are actually about 2ish inches smaller in the waist than my other 20's). I did not want to try them on around anyone for fear of being embarrassed but that was not really an option. I put them on and while they were a little snug in the waist (I carry most of my weight in my stomach) THEY FIT! And I did not suffocate when I buttoned them.
People can hug me and put their arms all of the way around me. - We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. I need to grow.
I have lost 60 pounds on this journey.
If I miss a day working out -- I actually MISS it. I LIKE working out. I have not felt this way in a long time. I am actually looking for more time to be able to work out. I want to add weight lifting and toning into my routine.
I WANT to be pretty. I WANT to put make up on, do my hair, shave my legs and all of that happy stuff. And I now do those things. And most of the time, I DO feel pretty.
Writing my blog is a great way to help me work things out in my own head.
I watched The Biggest Loser (I am a big fan - no pun intended) and I cried. I would love to have the ability to dedicate that much time and effort to working out.
I NEED more love in my life. I feel able to GIVE more love.
In most ways - I am happier than I have ever been.
Not only are my rings too big, but my feet are almost a size smaller.
Physically, I feel better than I have in longer than I can remember.
But for now - It has been a hard, exhausting and emotionally draining night - And I need sleep.
Those are my thoughts for the night..... I wish you love, peace and 20 hugs a day....
289/229/size 10/mini goal - another 20 pounds by New Years (time to step it up!!)
Banded July 14, 2009
Dr. Weiss, Auburn, NY
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
This is taken from a letter that I wrote someone earlier --
I am working SO very hard at trying to make myself a better person - physically and mentally. I NEED to feel better physically and mentally. I can not go through life feeling so bad about myself. I know I can't make myself younger or prettier -- But I can at least be thinner and healthier and hopefully happier.
I know you can't see the weight loss - and that really is ok. When you are as fat as I was/am it really does not matter if it is 10 pounds or 60 pounds. But I am one pound away from losing 60 pounds. I am down 6 pant sizes and half a shoe size (strange that your feet get smaller when you lose weight). I am hoping to reach my goal of 75 pounds by Christmas. That will be 75 pounds in 5 months. Not too bad, I don't think.
And yes, after reading over this -- I realize now more than ever - That I place my self worth on my size, what others think of me and how they treat me.
WOW! I really do feel this way - I lay out my feelings. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I want so desperately to be loved and liked. I don't think I know anyone that does not want those things. But I am realizing that I am giving people SO much power over me. WHY!?!?!?! Why do I let what others think of me be the ONE thing that gives me self worth?
Yet one more thing I need to work on.
On a VERY happy note --
I knew my size 28 jeans were WAY too big. The 26s were WAY too big. The 24s were WAY too big. Recently I have been tightening the belt 4 notches on my 22s. SOOooOoooo....tonight I went to the Salvation Army to see what they had in the big girls sizes. I bought 2 pair of 20's -- Thinking they would be too tight but would soon fit with a few Zumba classes and getting used to my restriction and not fighting to eat against the band.
A few minutes ago I tried them on to see just how many workouts it was going to take to get into them. NOT ONLY did they fit -- But they are ROOMY! Size 20s are ROOMY. Roomy enough that I will need to wear a belt with them.
When I started this journey I would have never worn a belt - I didn't even own one. My new to me size 20s need a belt.
I am so happy that I cried.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
289/230/today's mini goal - size 16
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I never ever thought I could love another person as much as I love her.
She is funny. She can say a few words. She is quite fond of spontaneous baby dancing. She can and does say - "Ah lub you, Mama. "
I love you too, Silly.
I am blessed beyond belief.
She is truly perfection in human form.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
concerned predominantly or excessively with sex; risqué: a sexy novel.
sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality: the sexiest professor on campus.
excitingly appealing; glamorous: a sexy new car.
pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses or appetites; carnal; fleshly.
lacking in moral restraints; lewd or unchaste.
arousing or exciting the senses or appetites.
worldly; materialistic; irreligious.
of or pertaining to the senses or physical sensation; sensory.
pertaining to the philosophical doctrine of sensationalism.
Is there a difference to you? Which one do you see yourself as? Do the two intermingle?
For me – They are two different things. I do not see myself as sexy. I see young, skinny chicks as sexy. The ones that wear slinky, sexy clothes. Those cat like girls that move all slinky like. The ones all of the boys look at. I want to be looked at like that too. I want pretty undies and night gowns and sexy clothes too.
But, then I think about sexy as a feeling. Do I feel sexy? Sometimes. But, only if I am in a sexual position. That is a different thing than being sexy, I think. I want to be sexy all of the time. I want to get up and get dressed in the morning and think – Wow! I feel sexy as hell. I usually just feel functional.
Do I feel that I am a sexual person? Yes. I do. Do I think I am a sensual person? Yes. I do. I am very loving, very affectionate and a very physical person. I am a very tactile person. I love to touch. In sexual and nonsexual ways.
I spent a lot of time today thinking about the two and the differences and how they pertain to me. I want to be both. I want to be beautiful, sexy and sensual. I want to put on pretty things and not feel out of place or like I am wearing someone else's clothes. I want to feel like I am in my own skin – not like I am playing dress up.
How do you get there? How do you get to that mental place of being sexy? I know it is all in the head. From there the body will follow. I see plenty of big girls that are sexy. It is all in how they carry themselves. How they feel inside. I need to find that place inside so I can let it show on the outside.
Just one more thing I need to work on.
Friday, October 2, 2009
My next NSV is Zumba!! I went last night for the first time. WOW! If you have one near you RUN do not walk and get there. You do not have to do the high impact. You can march in place if you get over tired or out of breath. Don't get me wrong -- It is HARD! I mean REALLY hard. But so well worth it!!
You learn things about yourself when you take classes like this. I learned that I am INSANELY competitive. There was no way in hell I was going to let the 5'0, 100 pound instructor best me. I was NOT going to be the fat girl in the room that couldn't hack it and had to give up. I was the biggest girl there. I am about 6 pounds heavier than my friend that was with me -- I convinced 3 other friends to come with me. 2 are about 215 and 2 of us are in the 230's. We all made it through the class! If you do not know anything about zumba - you can check it out on youtube.com. You can burn about 1000 to 1200 calories in an hour. Our class was an hour and 15 minutes. I would love to add another class a week. It is something to work up to!
Anywho -- Those are my NSVs for the day!
289/238/to add one more Zumba class a week
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Today was a long work day. Not as long as some - Not as short as others. 6:00 am to 3:30 p.m. The phone rang a couple of times and I was too busy to answer.
One of the calls was my Mom -- Once work was over, I rang her back. The bad news of the day is that Gary, the biological father, is sick. He has had Hep for ages. His liver is failing. He is not a candidate for transplant or live donor (or what ever is called). My brother, Josh, called and told my Mom that he has been really sick for the past couple of days.
She said she would give me his number so I could call and talk to him. I declined. I told her there is nothing that I really have to say to him. And after I said it -- I knew it was true. She said when he does die I will have unfinished business and feel bad about it. I told her no, I didn't really think so. I made my peace with not having a relationship with him a long time ago. The deal was really sealed when I took Lilly home last October. He had the opportunity to see us and chose to take his new girlfriend camping instead. Of course, as usual, he did not call to let me know that until the last minute. The last minute being after I had waited all day for him to call or show up. I had left him several voice mails and all of that. He never called.
I realized then that I was done. I was done waiting for him. I was done with him. I was never going to put my daughter through what I have spent a lifetime doing. Waiting for him to love me. I do not want Lilly to ever have to wonder about him, wonder if he will show up or wonder why he does not care. Or be upset because he put someone else above her.
Every thing I do, I do for her. And if that means being done with him. So be it.
I do care about him. Just as I care for someone that I knew once but never see. But not the love that a daughter has for a father. Hell, I would have offered to give him part of my liver - or however that works. I would offer that to any family member that needed it. Not necessarily out of love, but because I would help just about anyone.
What does this have to do with being a fat chick you ask?
Damn near everything.
The things that happen in our childhood shape the adults we become. And he had his fair share of shaping me -- That is for sure. But that is done now - I take full responsibility for who I am now. Good, bad or indifferent.
I wish him peace. I wish him better health and happiness.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Now I am looking forward to the day that I can see my own lady business without the help of mirrors and gymnastics.
289/239/to be able to put a soda between my thighs while driving and still see the soda (might make sense to no one but me)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Self Confidence -
|2.||excessive or inflated confidence in one's own judgment, ability, etc.|
Self Esteem is a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
Self Confidence is a realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.
How do the two differ to you? In this instance -- To me self esteem is thinking you can (or deserve) to wear something sexy. Self confidence is the actual ability to do it.
I was thinking a lot about this last night. I am gaining my self esteem again. I am TRYING so hard to get my self confidence back. I need to be able to do things for ME and no one else. I was getting dressed last night and went to put on some sexy undies (I had some that I used to fit into a while ago, didn't for awhile and do again) but I didn't put them on. It was in my head that no one would want to see me in them -- So why bother?
Later in the evening I thought -- Why bother? Because I wanted to see me in them. I wanted to wear them. Was that selfish of me? Maybe. But on some things - I need to be selfish. I need to see myself as sexual/sexy. I need to remember what silk feels like against my skin. I need to feel pretty. To be pretty. And to have someone else think I am those things. And to have someone else want to see me in something like that.
So the question is - How do I get my self confidence back? Just steal it away from what ever imaginary beast I think stole it from me? Just START doing things for myself?
It sounds so much easier than it is to actually do.
Some body give me back my damned self confidence -- and just a little extra self esteem too.
A work in progress - still going commando
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I was surfing around this morning and heard this -- or something like it and it struck a chord with me.
It's all about loving yourself no matter what size you are. And allowing others to love you too.
Just think how different our lives would be if we just loved ourselves a little bit more. I always think that I want to be pretty. I want to be sexy. I wish I could wear this or that. But I won't because I do not think I am deserving enough. I do not think it will look good. I do not think that anyone would take a fat woman wearing something dainty seriously. I am constantly afraid of what someone else would think of me.
All because I do not love myself enough.
So, from today on out - I am going to try to love myself more. I am going to allow others to love me too.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My BFFs Ann and Steph and I went tonight -- Our first class. We are all big girls. There were 6 of us in the class. A woman that was a little older than me (maybe), a tall skinny chick that was there for the first time too and a girl who has been doing it since February. And then there is our teacher. Late 20's. Long dark hair. Pretty as all get out. And a drop dead body. And and AMAZING dancer!
I felt like a lumbering elephant. Not so much because of my size - but because I am SO uncoordinated. I felt like I was trying to dance on my hands. It is something I can see getting the hang of in the next decade or so. But it felt really good to be wiggling, shimmying and moving around. Of course, I was sweating like a pig. It is the kind of thing you really need to be wearing a small amount of clothing for -- But I won't do that to the other kind people that are in the class. But next week I will be wearing a shirt with shorter sleeves and maybe some shorts or something. I had on a 3/4 length shirt and shorter yoga pants tonight. Still hotter than hell.
The moves are sexy. Empowering. I am looking forward to being able to get a few of the moves right. Being able to shake my hips without my legs moving too. I LOVE the isolation part of belly dancing. I kept my hands at my sides most of the night. I think I will work on one body part at a time!;)
And -- Keeping in the continuity of my last post -- it is an EXTREME boost to the self esteem. Even tho I probably (did) look like a jackass. It just felt really good.
Soooo...Tuesday night belly dancing class -- Here we come!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Self EsteemSelf Esteem
|1.||a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.|
|2.||an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.|
Where do we get it? How do we lose it? How do we get it back?
Self esteem for many of us (me) comes and goes through out a lifetime. How far back can you remember? Me? Back to when I was three. Many memories. Hardly any of them good. Wait, that is not true. Some of them were good. So many of them intense...strong. I remember the smell of pot. I remember seeing Three Dog Night (I think) in concert. A yellow can with wall to wall dark brown carpet. It smelled like the monkey cage at the Audubon Zoo. Can you tell I grew up with hippie parents? Parents that were way too young. A 17 year old mother that had no clue how to be a mother. Her mother was a horrible mother. Mean, abusive, a pill head -- The love of my life.
Grandmothers are different creatures than mothers. Wonderful, beautiful, different creatures that want to rectify all of the mistakes they made with their own children.
As I write this I worry about who will read it. Sorry, Mama. Sorry to anyone who sees themselves in it.
As a small child I remember abuse. Mental and physical. All at the hand of the person that I loves the most. Skip to 4 or 5 yeas old. Gary left. I remember the night. I remember laying in bed in the back bedroom at Grandmaw and Papa's and Mama telling me that he was gone an never coming back. I remember crying myself to sleep. He came back occasionally. An Easter Bunny the next year. It was pink. Gary had to find himself. Over 35 years later and he is still looking. Many relationships, 1 wife and 3 sons. He still seems to be looking. Or maybe he has found himself. I wouldn't know. We do not speak. He once told one of his girlfriends that he only had 2 sons. He had never been married before. I guess he forgot about my brother and me. How's that for a fucking blow to your self esteem? Your own father won't acknowledge you. Can you say a lifetime of Father/Daddy issues. And that was just the start.
Skip to age 7 -- My mother's new boyfriend appears. A child molesting, kiddy fucking, 400 pound fat fucker. Who the fuck finds a 7 year old fuckable? That fucking pig. Can you tell by the overuse of the word fuck that I am still bitter? Years of therapy, fucking anyone and everyone that would give me the time of day, two marriages and many bridges crossed and burned bring me here. Fucked and Fucked again.
Harsh words -- "Too fat for anyone to take you to the prom.", "Too ugly for anyone to love.", too stupid...to do whatever....Too fat to fuck, too fat to properly open a car door and get in and out without fucking it up. Too stupid to become anything of worth. No one will ever want you. Really!?!?!? You say these things to someone? You make someone feel this way!? Maybe you didn't know what your actions were doing. Maybe you were just trying to get your point across. Maybe you were just trying to make it "memorable". Not to worry - It was memorable alright. It is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It will stick with me every time I ever open a car door for the rest of my life.
That is how we lose self esteem. That is how we become who we are. That is how Fat Chicks get their self deprecating humor. That is how fat chicks learn to be fat chicks. Take their self esteem away and who gives a fuck how fat you are. The one thing that most fat chicks have going for them is "a pretty face". "you have such a pretty face....if only you would lose some weight." Oh yeah? What about the rest of me? The personality, the ability to tell jokes? The great tits? The fantastic legs? And all of the other things that make me who I am I am more than just a pretty face. Look a little deeper.
I saw a girl the other day at the grocery store -- A fat chick. She worked there. On first glance...greasy hair, clothes that were too tight, head hung down, not making eye contact. Look at her, fat and ugly. She doesn't take care of herself. I bet she is lazy too. My heart hurt for her. She stuck in my mind. Does any one love her? Has anyone told her that she is pretty? Just a little love and respect. A boost to the self esteem will make you take a shower, shave your legs, wash your hair -- Take a little care of your appearance. Her life would change with just a tiny bit of self esteem.
How do you get your own self esteem back? How did I get mine back? I spent years flip-flopping back and forth. I still fight it every day. I fight wanting to stay in bed, eating everything I see, not looking in the mirror and not answering the phone. I fight sitting with a bottle of pills next to me and occasionally thinking about...it.
BUT -- I have an 18 month old daughter. That is why I can't do those things. I have this tiny little person that depends on me for everything. That I can't kiss enough, that I cant love enough, that I cant respect enough. That I can't mother enough. That I can't be a good enough person for. That I can't be a good enough mother to. She loves me unconditionally. And there will never be a thing that will make me love her any less. Just the opposite really - Everything she does makes me love her more.
I had lap-band surgery for her on July 14th. I did it for her. So she wouldn't have to have a fat Mama. So she will never have to hear me say that I cant do something because I am too fat, too out of breath, because I can't do it. I want to be able to do everything with with her, for her.
I have friends who love me not matter how fat or thin I am. I have a husband who loves me no matter what a bitch I am. I have a lover who loves me. I have a family who loves me.
I wish you love.
I wish you enough love in your heart to love no matter what someone looks like.
I wish you enough love in your life to find your self esteem.
I wish you love and joy.
I wish you peace.
I wish you self esteem.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
You make me feel that I am serviceable, like old shoes -- It breaks my heart and makes me feel like less of a person.
I want to feel those things. I need to feel those things. And I do not.
Don't brush your hair, don't shave your chin, don't attempt to hide the hag that lives in the house on chicken legs in your brain.
Be ugly. Revel. Show your sharp, yellowed teeth, strike fear into the hearts of pale knights and paler maidens.
Cackle. Cackle like the sound of ice splitting up the length of the lake, to open to black deathly waters underneath.
If today you're the crone on the hill, be the crone on the hill.
She is wise. She is old, she is ugly and unafraid of warts or death or being alone. She is your secret: the bent, awful lady who knows how to poison apples.
Be violent. She is the aging maenad, hair ratted into dreadlocks that smell of old sex and fennel.
She has given her cunt up to the world and it ate the world whole and has all the magic in it.
Be her. Be Baba Yaga, today.
No -- you are too tall,
Thank you -- too fat
NEXT -- too ugly
Always too something --
Never good enough.
I'd love to be good enough at some point.
I don't have to be special all of the time --
Just some of the time.
To be taken seriously.
Not always have to quip the next dumb joke.
Look at me --
tell me I am beautiful --
Even if you have to lie.
look at me --
tell me I am interesting
Even if you have to lie.
Tell me you love me
Even if you have to lie.
I will be fine --
Just dont ever tell me that you lied.
I dont always need the truth.
I just need to be made to feel
dont reject me -- I cant take it right now.
I always spend my birthday alone during the day. I spend it reflecting on what the past year held and what the next year holds.
One of the things that I thought about today was the power that I give other people over me. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I let someone else's opinion of me give me my self worth. I know this isn't right. I realize that I should not do it. But, unfortunately, I do.
For most of my life -- I have heard -- "you have a very pretty face." As if that is all I am. Big eyes and full lips. Someone said something to me today --
you know, if you slimmed down & toned up a bit, you'd be quite the beauty ... you've got the face ... & the tits ... & the basic shape, I'd say, too ... *s*
I know this was meant as a compliment. But it cut me all the way to the core. It made my heart hurt. What do you say to something like that? It was not meant to hurt. But it did. My response was --
Yes, this is true -- and then maybe people will stop telling me that I have a pretty face and focus on some of my other qualities. I am actually quite bright and have tons of fascinating interests. And I am probably sincerely more sexual than most skinny chicks.
I have been thin you know. At my thinnest I was 185 -- rock hard body...only 7% body fat.
People still said I was too fat.
But, yeah -- I am working on it.
I allowed this to hurt me. I shouldn't have. But, I did.
I know part of it is how men look at women. The difference between the way men think about things and the way that women think about things. Men are visual, women are aural.
Too bad -- I do have alot going for me.
It is kinda funny. A man has the opportunity to be with me. Limitless possibilities. You want to try something kinky out -- and I'm your girl. You want to get your kink on -- I'll rock your world.
It is a headgame played out in my mind -- No matter how many times someone tells me that I am beautiful or sexual -- It just takes one person to put doubt in my mind. To make me feel like less of a person.
But, this too shall pass.
Onto other thoughts -- This will be a good year. A better year. I have found a ray of sunshine in my heart again. that helps alot. I have good friends rt and vt. I have family that loves me. March is baby time again. Another trip to another invitro Doctor. We shall see.
Starting this year -- I plan on not letting other people get to me so much. I will work at being happy and more accepting of myself. And stop being so hard on myself...
Here are some truths about me.
I am a 39 year old mother, wife, lover, artist, free spirit, infertile woman, daily meditator (not a word, I know), practitioner of creative visualization, physical and sexual abuse survivor, daughter, sister, funny girl, recently lap-banded girl and still....a fat chick.
I will always be a fat chick at heart, no matter what I weigh. It is just part of who I am. It is what built this fabulous of self deprecating humor that I have. You know - Make fun of myself before anyone else can beat me to the punch.
I love to read - and write - hence the blog. Though one of my biggest problems is that I write like I talk. EeeekkK!
I am originally from the south - Bogalusa, Louisiana. That right there is enough to make anyone insane, funny and a generally well rounded individual. I have lived in New Jersey, Connecticut, Manhattan and Upstate NY, where I currently reside. After 22 years of living away from home, I still have a thick southern accent. I just can't shake it!
I am lucky enough to have an amazing 18 month old daughter, Lilly. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love her. I thought to myself tonight as I was wiping her nose - I am so lucky to be picking this angels nose for her. Strange I know - But it is true.
This blog will be a lot of things. A place I can post my private thoughts. A place where I can tell you about my life. A place I can tell you what it is like to be a fat chick. A place where I can post different things about other fat chicks. A place where I can talk openly and honestly about anything and everything. If you are shy, do not like vulgar language, do not like the beautiful (and occasional ugly) truth about life - this might not be the place for you. I have a habit of being cynical, vulgar, funny, bitchy, brutally honest and raunchy.
I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it.