Monday, December 27, 2010

Broken toes and fuck you's...

BEWARE -- If you read past this --

You are going to hear swear words used a LOT. It is that kind of day -- and blog post --

This is my fuck you! post of the year. Ok - the end of the year.

Christmas Eve I managed to trip over the couch and break my middle toe on my right foot. At times - like when one of the kids uses my foot as a handy helper to stay up -- it hurts so back I might hurl. I keep trying NOT to scream FFFUUUUCK!!! But it is hard.

I was standing in the shower this morning like an overgrown human version of a flamingo with scalding hot water running over my body thinking...

Thinking about all of the people I would say FUCK YOU! to. I wanted to think of them and send send them light and love -- but the only light I could muster was laser beams and the only love I could muster was FUCK YOU!, your Mama and your Grandmama. Charming, I know.

I want desparately to be that calm and loving woman. The mother Earth. The baby wearing vixXxen. Truth is -- I am just tired of feeling like the world is fucking with me. Yes, yes, yes -- I know - it is the end of the year coming to a head. I am on my period. My 41st birthday looms around the corner -- blah blah blah.

But really? Lady on the airplane that was eating a half gallon bag of green bell peppers!?!?! And jackoff husband that was playing on his Kindle. You REALLY had to throw a bitch fit because my cell phone would not turn off fast enough. The engines were not on, we were still at the gate and I have never heard of a plane falling down because my fucking Blackberry wouldn't turn off before the plane had even started.

Christmas day screwed up by -- Well, that is not worth getting into in public. But it sucked. I was so very jealous of everyone posting on Facebook about their Rockwell type days. Their perfect families. All of it. I finally said fuck it and took a nap - After an amazing primerib dinner -- the night ended on a high note.

Did I mention my toe HURTS!? It does -- big shooting pain up my leg.

People all up in my Kool-Aid and don't even know what flavor it is. Fuck you! dude on the plane that called me a "fat bitch". My cell phone wouldn't turn off -- Mind your own business or like I said, sit down and shut up. I hate being embarrassed. But I was about to roll up my sleeves, put my hair in a pony tail and take my earrings out. Somebody almost made me lose my Christian.

And to those of you that have recently made me cry - Fuck you too! -

And as I stood there under the cooling water -- sending all of my FUCK YOU's! out into the Universe - I began to feel better. I began to feel that calmness creep over me. Yeah, I was still a tad pissed at the couch. But I was feeling better in my heart and soul. My skin was bright red...washed anew and all of that jazz. I sent a little love and light out to those poor bastards that I had just cursed. Things coming back 10 fold and that kind of thing.

Sometimes it just feels good to let it all out...

As I dried off I thought about something I had read before - To maintain weight loss and keep it going -- Put on a pair of pants that are a tad tight -- Or at least fitted -- NOT sweats/stretchy pants. I lived in sweats this weekend. So I put on my tightest size 16's. And they were comfortable. And a slim black t-shirt. I wouldn't wear the shirt out alone -- but it has kept me in check as far as eating goes today.

So that is my tale of my broken toe and telling people to fuck off...

As Scarlett always says -- Tomorrow is another day.
Happy Almost New Year!
(who is 2 pounds lighter even after vacation)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Self forgivness...

I have told so many people -- be gentle with yourself. And I always mean it - But I can rarely do it with myself.

We are our own worst enemy and our harshest critics.

No matter how fast I can walk on the treadmill, how many miles I can bike, how hard i can dance and work out - It is rare that I ever feel that it is good enough. I beat myself up for it. I used to comfort myself with food. The endless cycle that made me fat to begin with. I do not do it so much anymore. I suppose that if I still had "fun size" Snickers in the house I might be eating them while typing this out. But I am not. I am just typing. Not focusing on food to sooth my blues. Just words.

I often let other dictate my moods. It happens especially when I am not feeling all that great - Like tonight. I was kinda (understatement) sick today. So I any time I spent with anyone else - I absorbed their mood - no matter what it was. Talk about a roller coaster.

Fortunately - I am making the CHOICE to end my evening to feel love and be able to love...

Love and peace --

And most of all,

Be Gentle With Yourself.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Update on me!

Hello everyone!

I hope everyone is having a happy beginning of the holiday season!

Life is good around these parts! I thought I was a little too tight but I see to have lost enough to loosen up enough to eat hard protein.

I bounced back and forth with my weight for awhile. I am now GLEEFULLY at 225 pounds - and that was weighing myself at the gym after working out at the end of the day. This weekend I will weigh first thing in the morning. I have lost 65 pounds.

It has taken me a while to really get my head in the game - but now it is there 100%. I am going to Zumba 3 days a week with the goal of becoming an instructor once I lose about 40 more pounds and build up my stamina. I am also going to the gym 2-3 days a week.

Since 7/14/09 I have lost 65 pounds and gone from a size 28/30 pants to a XL/16-18. I no longer need a 4X t-shirt to be roomy - I am ok with a 2X hanging off of me. I can buy an XL gym shorts a be fine with them.

I think that eventually there will be a 360 body lift in my future. I have had too many babies and gained and lost too many pounds for the skin to bounce back to where it used to be.

Now my muscles and body hurts because I am exhausted from the gym - not hauling my fat ass up and down the stairs.

I can RUN on the treadmill now -- granted - it is only for 60 seconds at a time (and I am almost in tears the last 20 of those seconds) but I CAN do it! Last weekend I took a Master Zumba Class from the AMAZING Nathan Blake. It was 2 1/2 hrs. The next morning I took a 3 hrs chair dance class (think stripper dance with a chair instead of a pole). It was phenomenal. Starting tomorrow night I will be taking a one hr Zumba class followed by a one hr hip hop class. LOVE IT!

If you are considering weight loss surgery and wondering if it will work for you -- No one can answer that for you. But I can tell you that it is the very best thing I have ever done for myself. I have not lost the 100 pounds in my first year that I wanted to -- But I look and feel amazing. I feel better at 40 than I ever did at 20.

290/225/210 (mini goal)
(cross posted to FB and