Febuary 20, 1998

I always spend my birthday alone during the day. I spend it reflecting on what the past year held and what the next year holds.

One of the things that I thought about today was the power that I give other people over me. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I let someone else's opinion of me give me my self worth. I know this isn't right. I realize that I should not do it. But, unfortunately, I do.

For most of my life -- I have heard -- "you have a very pretty face." As if that is all I am. Big eyes and full lips. Someone said something to me today --

you know, if you slimmed down & toned up a bit, you'd be quite the beauty ... you've got the face ... & the tits ... & the basic shape, I'd say, too ... *s*

I know this was meant as a compliment. But it cut me all the way to the core. It made my heart hurt. What do you say to something like that? It was not meant to hurt. But it did. My response was --

Yes, this is true -- and then maybe people will stop telling me that I have a pretty face and focus on some of my other qualities. I am actually quite bright and have tons of fascinating interests. And I am probably sincerely more sexual than most skinny chicks.
I have been thin you know. At my thinnest I was 185 -- rock hard body...only 7% body fat.

People still said I was too fat.

But, yeah -- I am working on it.

I allowed this to hurt me. I shouldn't have. But, I did.
I know part of it is how men look at women. The difference between the way men think about things and the way that women think about things. Men are visual, women are aural.

Too bad -- I do have alot going for me.

It is kinda funny. A man has the opportunity to be with me. Limitless possibilities. You want to try something kinky out -- and I'm your girl. You want to get your kink on -- I'll rock your world.

It is a headgame played out in my mind -- No matter how many times someone tells me that I am beautiful or sexual -- It just takes one person to put doubt in my mind. To make me feel like less of a person.

But, this too shall pass.

Onto other thoughts -- This will be a good year. A better year. I have found a ray of sunshine in my heart again. that helps alot. I have good friends rt and vt. I have family that loves me. March is baby time again. Another trip to another invitro Doctor. We shall see.

Starting this year -- I plan on not letting other people get to me so much. I will work at being happy and more accepting of myself. And stop being so hard on myself...