Monday, September 21, 2009

Self Esteem

Self Esteem

Self Esteem



1. a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2. an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

Where do we get it? How do we lose it? How do we get it back?

Self esteem for many of us (me) comes and goes through out a lifetime. How far back can you remember? Me? Back to when I was three. Many memories. Hardly any of them good. Wait, that is not true. Some of them were good. So many of them intense...strong. I remember the smell of pot. I remember seeing Three Dog Night (I think) in concert. A yellow can with wall to wall dark brown carpet. It smelled like the monkey cage at the Audubon Zoo. Can you tell I grew up with hippie parents? Parents that were way too young. A 17 year old mother that had no clue how to be a mother. Her mother was a horrible mother. Mean, abusive, a pill head -- The love of my life.

Grandmothers are different creatures than mothers. Wonderful, beautiful, different creatures that want to rectify all of the mistakes they made with their own children.

As I write this I worry about who will read it. Sorry, Mama. Sorry to anyone who sees themselves in it.

As a small child I remember abuse. Mental and physical. All at the hand of the person that I loves the most. Skip to 4 or 5 yeas old. Gary left. I remember the night. I remember laying in bed in the back bedroom at Grandmaw and Papa's and Mama telling me that he was gone an never coming back. I remember crying myself to sleep. He came back occasionally. An Easter Bunny the next year. It was pink. Gary had to find himself. Over 35 years later and he is still looking. Many relationships, 1 wife and 3 sons. He still seems to be looking. Or maybe he has found himself. I wouldn't know. We do not speak. He once told one of his girlfriends that he only had 2 sons. He had never been married before. I guess he forgot about my brother and me. How's that for a fucking blow to your self esteem? Your own father won't acknowledge you. Can you say a lifetime of Father/Daddy issues. And that was just the start.

Skip to age 7 -- My mother's new boyfriend appears. A child molesting, kiddy fucking, 400 pound fat fucker. Who the fuck finds a 7 year old fuckable? That fucking pig. Can you tell by the overuse of the word fuck that I am still bitter? Years of therapy, fucking anyone and everyone that would give me the time of day, two marriages and many bridges crossed and burned bring me here. Fucked and Fucked again.

Harsh words -- "Too fat for anyone to take you to the prom.", "Too ugly for anyone to love.", too do whatever....Too fat to fuck, too fat to properly open a car door and get in and out without fucking it up. Too stupid to become anything of worth. No one will ever want you. Really!?!?!? You say these things to someone? You make someone feel this way!? Maybe you didn't know what your actions were doing. Maybe you were just trying to get your point across. Maybe you were just trying to make it "memorable". Not to worry - It was memorable alright. It is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It will stick with me every time I ever open a car door for the rest of my life.

That is how we lose self esteem. That is how we become who we are. That is how Fat Chicks get their self deprecating humor. That is how fat chicks learn to be fat chicks. Take their self esteem away and who gives a fuck how fat you are. The one thing that most fat chicks have going for them is "a pretty face". "you have such a pretty face....if only you would lose some weight." Oh yeah? What about the rest of me? The personality, the ability to tell jokes? The great tits? The fantastic legs? And all of the other things that make me who I am I am more than just a pretty face. Look a little deeper.

I saw a girl the other day at the grocery store -- A fat chick. She worked there. On first glance...greasy hair, clothes that were too tight, head hung down, not making eye contact. Look at her, fat and ugly. She doesn't take care of herself. I bet she is lazy too. My heart hurt for her. She stuck in my mind. Does any one love her? Has anyone told her that she is pretty? Just a little love and respect. A boost to the self esteem will make you take a shower, shave your legs, wash your hair -- Take a little care of your appearance. Her life would change with just a tiny bit of self esteem.

How do you get your own self esteem back? How did I get mine back? I spent years flip-flopping back and forth. I still fight it every day. I fight wanting to stay in bed, eating everything I see, not looking in the mirror and not answering the phone. I fight sitting with a bottle of pills next to me and occasionally thinking

BUT -- I have an 18 month old daughter. That is why I can't do those things. I have this tiny little person that depends on me for everything. That I can't kiss enough, that I cant love enough, that I cant respect enough. That I can't mother enough. That I can't be a good enough person for. That I can't be a good enough mother to. She loves me unconditionally. And there will never be a thing that will make me love her any less. Just the opposite really - Everything she does makes me love her more.

I had lap-band surgery for her on July 14th. I did it for her. So she wouldn't have to have a fat Mama. So she will never have to hear me say that I cant do something because I am too fat, too out of breath, because I can't do it. I want to be able to do everything with with her, for her.

I have friends who love me not matter how fat or thin I am. I have a husband who loves me no matter what a bitch I am. I have a lover who loves me. I have a family who loves me.

I wish you love.
I wish you enough love in your heart to love no matter what someone looks like.
I wish you enough love in your life to find your self esteem.
I wish you love and joy.
I wish you peace.
I wish you self esteem.

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