Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Feelings of the day

I have not written in a while - But that does not mean that I have not been thinking!

This is taken from a letter that I wrote someone earlier --
I am working SO very hard at trying to make myself a better person - physically and mentally. I NEED to feel better physically and mentally. I can not go through life feeling so bad about myself. I know I can't make myself younger or prettier -- But I can at least be thinner and healthier and hopefully happier.

I know you can't see the weight loss - and that really is ok. When you are as fat as I was/am it really does not matter if it is 10 pounds or 60 pounds. But I am one pound away from losing 60 pounds. I am down 6 pant sizes and half a shoe size (strange that your feet get smaller when you lose weight). I am hoping to reach my goal of 75 pounds by Christmas. That will be 75 pounds in 5 months. Not too bad, I don't think.

And yes, after reading over this -- I realize now more than ever - That I place my self worth on my size, what others think of me and how they treat me.

WOW! I really do feel this way - I lay out my feelings. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I want so desperately to be loved and liked. I don't think I know anyone that does not want those things. But I am realizing that I am giving people SO much power over me. WHY!?!?!?! Why do I let what others think of me be the ONE thing that gives me self worth?

Yet one more thing I need to work on.

On a VERY happy note --

I knew my size 28 jeans were WAY too big. The 26s were WAY too big. The 24s were WAY too big. Recently I have been tightening the belt 4 notches on my 22s. SOOooOoooo....tonight I went to the Salvation Army to see what they had in the big girls sizes. I bought 2 pair of 20's -- Thinking they would be too tight but would soon fit with a few Zumba classes and getting used to my restriction and not fighting to eat against the band.

A few minutes ago I tried them on to see just how many workouts it was going to take to get into them. NOT ONLY did they fit -- But they are ROOMY! Size 20s are ROOMY. Roomy enough that I will need to wear a belt with them.

When I started this journey I would have never worn a belt - I didn't even own one. My new to me size 20s need a belt.

I am so happy that I cried.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.

289/230/today's mini goal - size 16


  1. Kebbie! That's awesome! Keep up the great work!

  2. I am so happy for you and I'm also SO proud of you!
    Love you!