Monday, December 27, 2010
You are going to hear swear words used a LOT. It is that kind of day -- and blog post --
This is my fuck you! post of the year. Ok - the end of the year.
Christmas Eve I managed to trip over the couch and break my middle toe on my right foot. At times - like when one of the kids uses my foot as a handy helper to stay up -- it hurts so back I might hurl. I keep trying NOT to scream FFFUUUUCK!!! But it is hard.
I was standing in the shower this morning like an overgrown human version of a flamingo with scalding hot water running over my body thinking...
Thinking about all of the people I would say FUCK YOU! to. I wanted to think of them and send send them light and love -- but the only light I could muster was laser beams and the only love I could muster was FUCK YOU!, your Mama and your Grandmama. Charming, I know.
I want desparately to be that calm and loving woman. The mother Earth. The baby wearing vixXxen. Truth is -- I am just tired of feeling like the world is fucking with me. Yes, yes, yes -- I know - it is the end of the year coming to a head. I am on my period. My 41st birthday looms around the corner -- blah blah blah.
But really? Lady on the airplane that was eating a half gallon bag of green bell peppers!?!?! And jackoff husband that was playing on his Kindle. You REALLY had to throw a bitch fit because my cell phone would not turn off fast enough. The engines were not on, we were still at the gate and I have never heard of a plane falling down because my fucking Blackberry wouldn't turn off before the plane had even started.
Christmas day screwed up by -- Well, that is not worth getting into in public. But it sucked. I was so very jealous of everyone posting on Facebook about their Rockwell type days. Their perfect families. All of it. I finally said fuck it and took a nap - After an amazing primerib dinner -- the night ended on a high note.
Did I mention my toe HURTS!? It does -- big shooting pain up my leg.
People all up in my Kool-Aid and don't even know what flavor it is. Fuck you! dude on the plane that called me a "fat bitch". My cell phone wouldn't turn off -- Mind your own business or like I said, sit down and shut up. I hate being embarrassed. But I was about to roll up my sleeves, put my hair in a pony tail and take my earrings out. Somebody almost made me lose my Christian.
And to those of you that have recently made me cry - Fuck you too! -
And as I stood there under the cooling water -- sending all of my FUCK YOU's! out into the Universe - I began to feel better. I began to feel that calmness creep over me. Yeah, I was still a tad pissed at the couch. But I was feeling better in my heart and soul. My skin was bright red...washed anew and all of that jazz. I sent a little love and light out to those poor bastards that I had just cursed. Things coming back 10 fold and that kind of thing.
Sometimes it just feels good to let it all out...
As I dried off I thought about something I had read before - To maintain weight loss and keep it going -- Put on a pair of pants that are a tad tight -- Or at least fitted -- NOT sweats/stretchy pants. I lived in sweats this weekend. So I put on my tightest size 16's. And they were comfortable. And a slim black t-shirt. I wouldn't wear the shirt out alone -- but it has kept me in check as far as eating goes today.
So that is my tale of my broken toe and telling people to fuck off...
As Scarlett always says -- Tomorrow is another day.
Happy Almost New Year!
(who is 2 pounds lighter even after vacation)
Monday, December 6, 2010
I have told so many people -- be gentle with yourself. And I always mean it - But I can rarely do it with myself.
We are our own worst enemy and our harshest critics.
No matter how fast I can walk on the treadmill, how many miles I can bike, how hard i can dance and work out - It is rare that I ever feel that it is good enough. I beat myself up for it. I used to comfort myself with food. The endless cycle that made me fat to begin with. I do not do it so much anymore. I suppose that if I still had "fun size" Snickers in the house I might be eating them while typing this out. But I am not. I am just typing. Not focusing on food to sooth my blues. Just words.
I often let other dictate my moods. It happens especially when I am not feeling all that great - Like tonight. I was kinda (understatement) sick today. So I any time I spent with anyone else - I absorbed their mood - no matter what it was. Talk about a roller coaster.
Fortunately - I am making the CHOICE to end my evening to feel love and be able to love...
Love and peace --
And most of all,
Be Gentle With Yourself.Keb
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I hope everyone is having a happy beginning of the holiday season!
Life is good around these parts! I thought I was a little too tight but I see to have lost enough to loosen up enough to eat hard protein.
I bounced back and forth with my weight for awhile. I am now GLEEFULLY at 225 pounds - and that was weighing myself at the gym after working out at the end of the day. This weekend I will weigh first thing in the morning. I have lost 65 pounds.
It has taken me a while to really get my head in the game - but now it is there 100%. I am going to Zumba 3 days a week with the goal of becoming an instructor once I lose about 40 more pounds and build up my stamina. I am also going to the gym 2-3 days a week.
Since 7/14/09 I have lost 65 pounds and gone from a size 28/30 pants to a XL/16-18. I no longer need a 4X t-shirt to be roomy - I am ok with a 2X hanging off of me. I can buy an XL gym shorts a be fine with them.
I think that eventually there will be a 360 body lift in my future. I have had too many babies and gained and lost too many pounds for the skin to bounce back to where it used to be.
Now my muscles and body hurts because I am exhausted from the gym - not hauling my fat ass up and down the stairs.
I can RUN on the treadmill now -- granted - it is only for 60 seconds at a time (and I am almost in tears the last 20 of those seconds) but I CAN do it! Last weekend I took a Master Zumba Class from the AMAZING Nathan Blake. It was 2 1/2 hrs. The next morning I took a 3 hrs chair dance class (think stripper dance with a chair instead of a pole). It was phenomenal. Starting tomorrow night I will be taking a one hr Zumba class followed by a one hr hip hop class. LOVE IT!
If you are considering weight loss surgery and wondering if it will work for you -- No one can answer that for you. But I can tell you that it is the very best thing I have ever done for myself. I have not lost the 100 pounds in my first year that I wanted to -- But I look and feel amazing. I feel better at 40 than I ever did at 20.
290/225/210 (mini goal)
(cross posted to FB and www.thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com)
Monday, November 22, 2010
So much to catch up on...So very much.
Life is going grand. Lilly is two and a half and a little baby wild thing. I have reconnected with SO many friends via Facebook - Including my friend, Dalton. We have not seen each other since I was 15. Double YAY! Ken is still going to school and probably will be until he is a million years old. Ann and Dan had their twins, Quentin and Madeline. They are beautiful!!! Steph and Dave are pregnant again.
And our biggest news is that my niece, Sadie, came to live with us. TRIPLE YAY!!! She is going to J/E HS and is in the 10th grade. She is beautiful, smart and funny as hell. And a typical 15 year old. Her grades are fair - But we are working on that.
My new "job" is babies -- And bunches of them! I babysit a couple of babies - 5 days a week. My time is crazy - But I get to stay home with my beautiful Lilly and Sadie.
The weight loss is going great! I had gotten down to 214 - But my band was too tight and I was dehydrated so within a couple of days of getting an unfill I gained 20 pounds. WTF!?!?!? So BACK on the "Band Wagon", so to speak.
I am down to 225 once again. I am Zumba'ing and working out in the gym a couple of days a week. Looking to bump that up a little soon.
I want to loose 40 more by February - My birthday - I bought 3 pairs of size 16 jeans last weekend. Those are for inspiration. Let's hope it works!! =) I want to lose another 10 by Christmas.
Wish me luck!!
So many things to be THANKFUL for!!!
289/225/210 by Christmas - mini-goal...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
WOW, What a weekend! Our baby girl turned TWO!
Not knowing how to do anything small or quietly we closed the House of Bounce for 2 hours and had her party there. It was FANTASTIC! We invited everyone we knew - All of the kids from the sitter's, kids from soccer (yes, she goes to soccer - TOO CUTE for words!), our friends and friends of theirs, And basically everyone that we know, once knew, or wanted to be friends with! We had about 25 kids and 20 adults. We did pizza, cupcakes, salad and pasta salad -- We had a VERY cute barnyard theme.
For favors we had peat pots with dirt, bean seeds, crayons with a barn yard coloring sheet all wrapped and tied.
There were giant farm animal balloons, regular balloons - One of my dearest friends came over and told me that he knew it wasn't present time yet - But this present was for the party so, of course, we let Lilly open it first -- and it was -- BALLOON ANIMALS!! Who knew Alan had this secret talent!! Talk about being the hit of the party! Then my friend Steph stepped up and started making balloon puppies. Then another friend John hopped in and started making these AMAZING things and put together CINDERELLA for Lilly. She was even holding a pumpkin - the balloon Cinderella, not Lilly.
And the cake was not a cake but CUPCAKES!!! With farm animal cookies on top.
Wow, wow, wow!!
The party was so busy that we did not even do presents at the party - Do you know how many presents 50 people bring? a LOT! It was a complete embarrassment of riches. We will be going through her older toys to pick out things to donate. 2 of our best friends came back to the house with their kids to help us open gifts. The kids had a wonderful time ripping paper and fighting over things. Lots of pics were taken of this too!;)
It was a wonderful day! Today is our friend Dan's birthday. We are going over there this evening for a party. I am making the cupcakes for this party -- They will not be NEARLY as fancy, I assure you!*LOL*
What a great end to a great weekend!
Friday, March 19, 2010
The windows are open to air the Winter out of the . The baby is down for her nap. Coffee is on. My water bottle was filled. Paints, glass and everything else is on the dining room table all set up for my paint time after my shower. I cleaned the house yesterday, so it is all pretty and clean. Candles are burning making it smell even yummier!
So back to the Wii Fit! - Unpacked it, got everything set up, put on my yoga pants and t-shirt, and ready to go. Thirty minutes later, I am a little winded, a little sweaty and E N E R G I Z E D!!! What an awesome workout and it fit right into my morning. Once in the morning and once at night to start.
I LOVE IT!!!
Have a happy day!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Hello!! I am not sure if everyone knows me...I have not posted in what seems like ages.
This year I turned 40. Yes. I know. I am older than most of the other Mamas around here. And yet, not as old as some. Lilly will be 2 in 21 days.
I am in awe of her. I watch her do things and sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I listen to her sing or talk to herself and it makes me cry. I could not be any prouder of her if she walked on water. It is smart, beautiful and funny as hell. She has my temper and her father's stubborn attitude. She looks nothing like me. Except the color of her eyes. And oddly enough - I am raising a child in Central New York with a southern accent.
She pretend plays, can count to ten, and loves to sing. She knows the colors pink and yellow. She still takes a bottle, sucks her binkie and drinks from a sippy. She is potty training herself. She tells when she has to potty and we go. We will get more serious about it next month. She has yet to have her first haircut and her mullet FINALLY started to grow in (THANK GOD). She talks with a lisp so instead of saying yes -- it sounds more like yeth. She still has a giant gap between her two front teeth. She goes to the sitters a couple of days a week just so she gets to play with other kids and doesn't spend too much time with Mama. She plays well with others (most of the time). She never met a pair of shoes she didn't LOVE. She adores farm animals. So much so that the theme of her birthday party is going to be farm animals.
Unlike some people -- I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted to have my own children. I did not fall accidentally into mother hood. I spent 18 (yes, I said EIGHTEEN) years trying to become one. I did my first IUI shortly after my 21st birthday. I did not conceive until I was 28. That was my first IVF. We implanted three embroys and three took. I went into labor at 25 weeks. I stayed in the hospital "upside down" for almost 4 weeks. I gave birth at 29 weeks and they only lived for a day. It took me a divorce, a move to NYC, a new husband, a move to Upstate and over 6 years to try again. 4 IVFs in 2007....Lilly was our last IVF of that year. And TAADAAAAA!!! Here we are today. More blessed than I ever thought we would be.
We have had two failed cycles lately. One with no eggs. And one with only one egg. Soon we will do it all over again.
I would love for Lilly to get to be a big sister. She would be really good at it. And I would love for Ken and I to get to be parents to another baby. We would be really good at it too.
So there you have it all in a nut shell.
Lilly will be two soon. Ken will be 50 in April, I am over 40 and time marches on....
All the best...
Keb (and Lilly and Ken too!)
If you haven't already -- And you want to -- Find us on FB (KebandKen Rose). I am constantly updating her pics there...
****This was also posted on the fertility forum that I participate in****
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
To be a blog about fat chicks, being a fat chick or being an artistic fat chick. WAIT A MINUTE, SAM! It can be about ALL of those things!! Because I am all of those things.
Tonight we made a pilgrimage out to Cicero to pick up a dining room set off of Freecycle. The man was kind enough to haul it all back here in his truck for us. SWEET! There is a table, 6 chairs, a hutch and tea cart. LOVES IT! Ok, I am not a huge fan of blond pine wood or Danish Modern. But for free!? I LOVE it! And eventually, it will be painted with tender loving care! The table is tucked into a nook in the dining room. The hutch and tea cart is in the kitchen and the chairs are already nestled around the table. DOUBLE SWEET! Tomorrow everything will get a scrubbing with some Murphy's oil soap and I will eventually get to the painting. Pics to follow, I promise. Before and After, of course.
That's the artsy side of the post -- The banded fat chick part --
I think I need a small unfill -- Over the past couple of days my band has gotten tighter -- MUCH -- tighter. I could not eat today - not until later this evening. It always helps to drink something hot before I eat. For whatever the reason it seems to relax the bad some. But that was not even helping today.
My weight has stalled -- Due to not being able to eat enough protein. I am sure. Also - NOT working out at all. I am in lazy winter hibernation mode. All I want to do is eat (if I could) and sleep. The perfect outfit would be comfy seats, big thick socks and some kind of hooded top. Pigtails/ponytail is a must also.
Yeah - that is SO not a skinny chick outfit. That is what fat girls wear to cover the fat.
It does help that before my birthday I had my hair colored, a massage, a pedicure and a facial. So I am not feeling as ugly as I COULD be feeling. But not as pretty as I could be feeling either.
It always goes back to how I am feeling, doesn't it!?
Ok - So now I am feeling sleepy and it is about time for me to give into it.
peace, love and protein shakes!
really fat/not so fat/cute chubby chick
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Has it really been this long since I have written anything??!?!?
What has happened to me? I feel like I have written every day. So much is going on and then at the same time nothing at all is happening!
My weight loss goal was to get down to my 2-teens for my birthday. I didn't make the goal. But I AM down to 224. Not to shabby for the former fat girl of 289. I want to be there by Lilly's birthday. I have until the end of March.
My BFF Ann is preggo, great with child, knocked up, etc. I could not be happier for her. I thought I would take one of my besties getting pregnant before I did pretty hard. But it really wasn't so bad. I have the worlds most amazing baby. Now don't get me wrong - This does NOT mean that I am over baby fever. Not in the least.
My other bestest buddy, Alan, was in ICU with a serious case of Gullian Barre' Syndrome. Google it -- It is S E R I O U S! After that he was in the hospital for a week and then in rehab for a week. Not bad for a disease/syndrome that can kill people. I am very proud of him for making such a recovery.
I spent 2 1/2 days in the hospital. I had a HORRIFIC stomach virus and was suffering from severe dehydration and exhaustion. And a migraine. 2 1/2 days of morphine and zofran was just what the Dr. ordered.
Snow, snow and more snow...That is what is coming down around us. Lots and lots of snow.
And oh yeah -- The Saints WON the SUPERBOWL!! I am not a girl that normally follows football -- But it is the SAINTS!!! And we WON! Didn't just make it -- But actually WON! Crazy stuff I tell you!
For more pics of the worlds most perfect child and my party, check out my facebook page!
Heres to some more weight loss now that life is slowing down a tad!!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
10 years ago today I gave birth to three perfect babies. Perfect eyes, perfect noses, perfect fingers and toes.
They were just too little.
10 years have gone by and today has not gotten any easier. I still miss you SO much. I still think about what you would be like. Libby would look just like me. Avery a gentle blending of myself and her father and Max just like his daddy.
Perfect little babies captured in time. Captured in my mind. Captured in my heart.
I miss you more than you can imagine. Sometimes more than my heart can stand.
I wish we had gotten to spend more than our few short hours together. I wish you had gotten the chance to grow up. The chance to blow out the candles on your 10th birthday cakes.
I miss you Libby, Avery and Max. Happy Birthday.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Unfortunately, I write like I talk...even worse....I write like I think. I put pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard and things just fall out. they do not end up organized in black and white -
But they end up tossed onto the page like laundry that has just come from the dryer....all wadded up in a heaping big pile.
But I do it because I like it -- I am starting to enjoy words again. Enjoying the clicking of the keyboard, eventually rereading the thoughts on the page.
I never make resolutions for the new year -- But I do set goals.
My goal this year is to write more.
To get my life, myself and my thoughts more organized.
To get my body into shape.
To pursue a creative endeavor at least once a week.
To get rid of these last pesky 75 pounds.
To try to have another child.
And to be a better person, wife, lover and mother.
I love the week between Christmas and New Year. It is the week that Ken takes off for vacation and we stay home in our own little cocoon. We eat left overs for lunch and dinner. Cookies for breakfast. And drink grown up egg nog in between.
We stay in our cozy pajamas most days only getting dressed to run to the store or go to friends.
This year it has been especially wonderful. Lilly turned 21 months old on December 27th. She is talking and playing more than ever. She has begun to do "pretend play". She got a HUGE kitchen for Christmas from her Auntie M. She will bring over different concoctions from her little pots and pans and give us bites while making little yummy murmurs.
She is just amazing. She never fails to make me laugh. We are SO blessed.
I wish you many blessings in the new year!