Friday, May 23, 2014

I love my body

Saucy language follows --

This woman is phenomenal.

And I do love my ugly body.  And no, I don't say that for everyone to tell me it's not ugly blah blah blah.   It is.  I was nearly 300 pounds and now I'm not anymore.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he was telling me about his latest relationship and how it wasn't working out. Somewhere in listing some of the qualities that didn't make her the queen asshole of the universe was, "but she's thin".....and a bunch of other shit I stopped listening to.

Who gives a fuck if she's skinny.  Really!?!  SERIOUSLY.  Really?  She sounds like a total and complete asshole.   I don't care what her BMI is.

This really got me thinking about how we view people.  Who am I kidding I always think about these things.  And then I fpund the above link and that amazing woman.  So, I thought some more....

I will NEVER be skinny. Never.  Hell, I'll never be thin. So to some I'll never be perfect.  Good person, asshole or somewhere between.

I've lost over 100 pounds.  Even if I had full body plastic surgery.   Then I'd have a body full of scars.  So no, I'll never be thin, skinny or perfect.  I strive for healthy.  I don't even give a rats ass about doing cross fit, marathons or triathlons.  I just want to live old enough & be healthy enough to see Lilly grow up.  I don't go to the gym to look good in a bathing suit.  I go because I like to eat and want to stay healthy.  I do it to stave off different health diseases.  I don't do it so jackasses will think I'm hawt even tho I'm an asshole on the inside.

If I did a similar photo shoot mine would say my arms with the big batwings and cottage cheese skin give the best hugs ever.  And hold and hug my daughter and carry kids all day long.   My saggy breasts have nursed my perfect child. My back is strong enough to work 90+ hrs a week to help support my family.   My flabby belly has carried babies and made me forever grateful.   My strong and muscular legs with the shrinkles on my inner thighs have carried me all over the world.

So, I do love my ugly body and my amazing and loving heart.  

I hope you love yours too.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

oh whatta day!

As most good Southern takes start - Yall aint gonna believe this.

Ok. You might. To some its not a big deal. For me - its a huuuuuge giant big ass deal.

No really.

Since I had weight loss surgery in December (and seven subsequent surgeries) Ive had a mental block against exercising. I mean I'll walk a little on my treadmill . Lift some 5 and 10 pound weights every couple of days.

But the mental block.

Ive lost over a hundred pounds. Ive always been able to hide behind my weight. When shit got real. Or I had to face up to something I could hide behind the fat.

And then I wasnt fat anymore.

I couldnt hide behind it. I was stuck out in the open. But I could still say I couldnt do -whatever- because I wasnt in shape/didnt have the staminia/insert excuse here.

Well....Ive given up the last excuse I have. I was up at 5am and in neon lights of Planet Fitness at 530am. Five miles on the bike and circuit training done. Felt like a total rockstar!

It was NOT easy. It was rough. Tomorrow I will be back on it. I'm armed with a plan. 5 days a week in the gym or in a cardio class.

Maybe I can get the last 20-25 pounds off. If I don't lose it at least I will be in good shape!

So get your cheerleading outfits on and help cheer me on!

Its not a short term fix and theres no easy way out. Just degrees of really hard work!!!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

8 months today!

Today is 8 months since I had my revision from lapband to rny. Ive gone from my highest weight of 289 in 09 when I had lapband down to 214 and back up to 259 when I had rny in Dec. Today I am 175. I saw 174 for about 22 seconds. I might see it tomorrow. It comes and goes. Bouncing bacl and forth between 174 and 178. Ive gone from. 26/28 to a 12/14.

Its all very surreal.

Id *like* to lose 25 more. My mind doesnt know if thats possible. Chances are if I had a full body lift Id be at about 160. My skin is crazy. But not as bad as I thought it would be.

It has NOT been easy. I had a leak in the hospital. My stomach and intestines were ripped during a stricture dilation. Ive had 8 strctures since then. But Ive been great for months. I can eat most things. Somethings make me sick. Some dont.

Im back on the losing end again. See bounce back above.

Ive lost weight in a weird way - but normal for me, I suppose. Lose a few. Stay the same for weeks/months. Lose more. Stay more. Its just how its been going. It freaked me out at first. But now it just is what it is.

A few things for newbies-

STOP RUSHING FOOD - You will eat soon enough. Enjoy being in CONTROL of what goes into your mouth for a change. Youve had a life time to eat what you wanted.

CHILL OUT!!! Stalls happen. Stop freaking out.

Stop spazzing over every gram of protein that goes in your mouth. Somedays will be 100 grams some will be 25.

STOP eating processed shit. Limit the shit that comes out of a box. Eat fresh healthy food. NO ONE gets to be 300 lbs eating fruits and veggies (unless theres a more serious condition and the see a dr).

Loose skin happens. Wear Spanx (or whatever brand you like). Deal with it.

If you dont fix WHY you eat you will never fix HOW you eat.

And lastly - just chill out and enjoy the ride.

Life is fun. Enjoy it!!!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Look at me!! Look at me!! Imma tell you about my NSV(s)!!

No, really. Im waiting the drs ofc today and had time - an hr and a half actually. Babies being born trump my yearly gyno appt. And I realized my legs were CROSSED. No, not just one leg over the other but crossed and tucked waaaay in. Yay me! Had my appt. All went well.

I weigh 174. Dang. Thats crazy. The numbers really dont make sense in my head. I still feel strange in my own body.

My bff and I were out with our girls Sunday. We were in a huge crowd. She kept losing me. I was right in front of her. She kept looking for the big me not the now me.

Last night I took mini me and her friend to the Y. Everything went clustery. The childcare was closed so I couldnt go in the gym. No big we'll just spend al of our time in the pool. Wtf is my bathing suit. Took it out and left it on the dining room table. Double damnit! Ok, at Y and two kids in suits. Ok. Deep breath. I'll go in biker shorts and a sports bra. And I did. Me and two kids and Im wearing a pair of booty shorts and a sports bra. I lived. No one died from seeing my loose skin. The kids didnt noticed. And I had a great time! A hundred pounds ago that would have NEVER happened.

Ive been doing yoga on my own and walking the treadmill. Last night I did some water weights. Ive been doing some ab work. My stomach hurts. I think Im actually building core muscles. Im a little sore.

Life is good. Really good.

Now its time for pics!!

Monday, July 8, 2013


Rewind from today to last fall -

Revision.  I want to have revision surgery.  I want my band out and I want to have gastric bypass.

Thyroid wonky - Insurance says sure - Dr says get tyroid straight first.  Alrighty!  2 months of monkeying with meds.  FINALLY got it right. 

Surgery scheduled for December 18, 2012!

Go into surgery.   YAY!  90 minute surgery takes over four hours.  Lap-band had eroded  Scar tissue had built up.  Finally out of surgery and into CCU.  My heart was skipping beats during surgery.  Fast forward to the middle of the night.  Pain - Holy mercy PAIN!!!

Dr. decided the next morning to go in to see what was going on. I had a leak and he fixed me up. A week in ICU.   I finally got to go home December 24th!

It was an interesting Christmas - to say the least.  I vaguely remember Christmas day.  I spent most of the next week in bed recovering.  There was a lot of family drama.  I am still not really sure what all happened. 

In January I wasn't able to really eat or drink.  I had developed scar tissue around the stoma.  Another surgery.  My stomach/intestine tore during the scope.  Surgery to repair that.  Another week in ICU.

Followed by 5 more dilatations for strictures.  Good times. 

Today is July 8, 2013.  I've gone from my highest weight of 289 to my revision surgery weight of 259 to my current weight of 175. It has been a long 6 and a half months.  Full of crazy crazy things and realizations.

I will update on some of those things soon.  I just wanted to bring everyone up to speed so far!

Have an amazing day!

Friday, July 20, 2012

To shave or not to shave...

that is a question -

I just finished reading a fabulous article by Mayim Bialik.

As some one who went into puberty early I did most things early. I did shave my legs starting at about 10 years old. To me that is early. Too early - Tho girls are doing it earlier from what I understand. Peer pressure, the internet, over bearing parents who want their children to conform....I do not care for any of it.

I used to wax everything. I have also lasered. At one time there was not a hair on my body other than my head, lashes and brows.

And then one day I realized this is so NOT who I am. Yes, I shave my legs in the summer. I am always in shorts or short skirts and I am not comfortable with hairy legs in summer. Winter however is totally different. I could care less. As I got older - past 40 - the hair stopped coming in as thick. YAY! One of the many bonuses of being over 40. I usually keep my pits shaved ...but not always. I only do that to be polite to others. I dont care. Other pieces and parts? I gave up the war on public hair long ago. I am not even sure what started the war. The internet - I always blame the internet. Agism too. Sorry boys (not that there are a lot of people viewing my nethers) but, I am not shaving or waxing anymore. I will give the complimentary trim tho. TMI - I know!

Anywho -- What about you? What are your thoughts on the war with your body hair?

ps - I AM vain as hell - I know, it's a sin. But still - I like nice clothes, shoes, make up, etc. I just do not think I have to remove all of the hair on my body to be pretty.

Have a happy day and congratulations on now knowing more about me than you wanted to!! It will get worse, I promise! ;)

Monday, July 2, 2012

Shoved off the band wagon

If you do not care to read back - I will give you a historical synopsis.  July 14th, 09 I had a gastric lapband.  I went from 289 pounds down to 214 and back up to 246.  I am back down again - Somewhere around 238.  I have a long ways to go.  A LONG WAY.

I have started Zumba back, only to give up.  I started 30 Day Shred and gave up.  I read Clean Eating by Tosca Reno and gave up.  Started going to the gym...and you guessed it.  Gave up.   Well - as they say - tomorrow is another day.  I am back on the Shred and the gym and soon to be Zumba.  And working on Clean Eating. 

I am easy to slip into depression.  I do not do with with feeling like friends are competing with me.  When the fun goes out I am out.  When the stress comes on - I stress eat and sleep.  I shut down.

That is the TRUTH about THIS fat chick.

Some how I am finding my groove again.  Two of my friends from High School went to a Biggest Loser  Resort in Utah.  SO inspiring.  I am reading other fat chick blogs for inspiration. 
 Trying to be the best mom I can be.  The best wife I can be.  I try, I fail, I try again - I keep trying.

Tonight Mel and Michelle and I came up with
The math of Fat Chicks --
Fat, hungry, Angry = Fapangry
Bored and hungry = Bongry
Hungry and Angry = Hangry

I have been a combination of all of these tonight.

I got up this morning at 7 and was at the gym at 730.  3 minutes on some kind of death machine designed to kill me.  It was even at the entrance of the gym.  Then 30 minutes on the bike.  And then the whole circuit workout.   I would have gone swimming after but my work out buddy had to get back home.  I am going again in the morning to do it all over again.

My goal is to now try to blog at least every other day.  We will see how that goes.  

Thursday morning I am having surgery.  I am not happy about it - But it seems to just be the way it is.  I am having an ablation and it will take away any other hope of having any more babies.  Not that I was going to have any more anyways....3 failed IVFs in the past 2 years.  No eggs.  And please no one say I am lucky to have the kids I have.  That would not end nicely.

 If you read back you will see about my infertility quest.  My girls and my life.  

Stick with me on this journey.  Cheer me on.  I need the help.  I need the support.