Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Food and Keb

My relationship with food has never been a good one, obviously! My last fill was tight. Gave me restriction. But as per the norm - I fought it as much as I could. If I got stuck - I spit up and kept going. Being sick the entire 9 months of pregnancy taught me that trick.

I feel like I am telling a deep dirty secret. My husband said to me the other day that it was like eating with an old girlfriend that was bulimic. NOT something I was striving for. Am I bulimic? No. Do I think I am or heading in that direction? No.

Where am I going with this? I am not really sure. So I would eat, sometimes things would stay down and things would be fine. Sometimes they would get stuck or come back up and I would go back to having dinner.

For the past few days I have been keeping track of calories. HOLY MOSES! I didn't think I was eating that much. I have been taking in 12-1600 calories a day. That is a lot -- too much. I am still doing Zumba about 3 times a week if not more.

What do you eat in a typical day? How do I get my calories down and still stay full?

I called in and scheduled another fill on Monday. I am getting hungry about every two - three hours.

This morning I decided to do a little protein shake fast for a couple of days to see if I can break this plateau.

I am thrilled with my weight loss so far - But I want to get back into it. We are going to try to do another IVF soon.

289/between 220-232/mini goal size 18 before the end of the year

Friday, November 13, 2009

old habits die HARD!

Greetings all of my pretty, pretty people!

I have always known how hard it is to break habits. And am learning now it is even hard eating wise and in my personal life. I have MANY of them to break and wean myself from.

I was working and on a break - I work from home for those of you that do not know - I was HUNGRY -- I walked by a bag of raw almonds, counted them out in my hand (good, right!?!?!) and then proceeded to toss nearly the handful into my mouth. WHAT THE...!??!?! So I opened my mouth - like you would with a dog that had just grabbed your favorite shoe -- let them fall back into my hand, put them in a bowl and ate them like a normal person.

It is things like that that made me fat in the first place. MINDLESS EATING. Just chowing whatever and not thinking about it.

The good news is that I am now thinking about it.

DOB 7/14/9
289/229/to start counting calories and fat

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

NSV's and random thoughts....

This is kinda just free thought for the night -- And I thought I would share.

I looked in the mirror tonight and did a double take -- FINALLY my boobs stick out farther than my stomach.

When I looked again in the mirror -- I saw that my back was flat. Not bunches of back fat.

I work out harder when I can not see myself in the mirror. When I see myself I remember how fat I still am...and how much farther I have to go.

I went to breakfast with friends the other day and I fit into the REALLY small side of a booth. When we went to sit down I saw how small it was and tried to get to the bigger side to no avail. So I planned on squeeeeezing in and being uncomfortable. I slid in with no problem.

All of my new pretty undies that I bought three weeks ago are now a size too big.

A friend was nice enough to get me a size 20 jeans - I am running out of clothes that actually fit and are not huge on me - I looked at them thinking that they would be WAY too small (they are actually about 2ish inches smaller in the waist than my other 20's). I did not want to try them on around anyone for fear of being embarrassed but that was not really an option. I put them on and while they were a little snug in the waist (I carry most of my weight in my stomach) THEY FIT! And I did not suffocate when I buttoned them.

People can hug me and put their arms all of the way around me. - We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. I need to grow.

I have lost 60 pounds on this journey.

If I miss a day working out -- I actually MISS it. I LIKE working out. I have not felt this way in a long time. I am actually looking for more time to be able to work out. I want to add weight lifting and toning into my routine.

I WANT to be pretty. I WANT to put make up on, do my hair, shave my legs and all of that happy stuff. And I now do those things. And most of the time, I DO feel pretty.

Writing my blog is a great way to help me work things out in my own head.

I watched The Biggest Loser (I am a big fan - no pun intended) and I cried. I would love to have the ability to dedicate that much time and effort to working out.

I NEED more love in my life. I feel able to GIVE more love.

In most ways - I am happier than I have ever been.

Not only are my rings too big, but my feet are almost a size smaller.

Physically, I feel better than I have in longer than I can remember.

But for now - It has been a hard, exhausting and emotionally draining night - And I need sleep.

Those are my thoughts for the night..... I wish you love, peace and 20 hugs a day....

289/229/size 10/mini goal - another 20 pounds by New Years (time to step it up!!)
Banded July 14, 2009
Dr. Weiss, Auburn, NY

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Feelings of the day

I have not written in a while - But that does not mean that I have not been thinking!

This is taken from a letter that I wrote someone earlier --
I am working SO very hard at trying to make myself a better person - physically and mentally. I NEED to feel better physically and mentally. I can not go through life feeling so bad about myself. I know I can't make myself younger or prettier -- But I can at least be thinner and healthier and hopefully happier.

I know you can't see the weight loss - and that really is ok. When you are as fat as I was/am it really does not matter if it is 10 pounds or 60 pounds. But I am one pound away from losing 60 pounds. I am down 6 pant sizes and half a shoe size (strange that your feet get smaller when you lose weight). I am hoping to reach my goal of 75 pounds by Christmas. That will be 75 pounds in 5 months. Not too bad, I don't think.

And yes, after reading over this -- I realize now more than ever - That I place my self worth on my size, what others think of me and how they treat me.

WOW! I really do feel this way - I lay out my feelings. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I want so desperately to be loved and liked. I don't think I know anyone that does not want those things. But I am realizing that I am giving people SO much power over me. WHY!?!?!?! Why do I let what others think of me be the ONE thing that gives me self worth?

Yet one more thing I need to work on.

On a VERY happy note --

I knew my size 28 jeans were WAY too big. The 26s were WAY too big. The 24s were WAY too big. Recently I have been tightening the belt 4 notches on my 22s. SOOooOoooo....tonight I went to the Salvation Army to see what they had in the big girls sizes. I bought 2 pair of 20's -- Thinking they would be too tight but would soon fit with a few Zumba classes and getting used to my restriction and not fighting to eat against the band.

A few minutes ago I tried them on to see just how many workouts it was going to take to get into them. NOT ONLY did they fit -- But they are ROOMY! Size 20s are ROOMY. Roomy enough that I will need to wear a belt with them.

When I started this journey I would have never worn a belt - I didn't even own one. My new to me size 20s need a belt.

I am so happy that I cried.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.

289/230/today's mini goal - size 16