Monday, February 14, 2011

That Girl....

I am pouty and whiny. Everyone is asleep. And I am websurfing. And it is making me even more pouty and whiny.

I want to be one of those girls. I have always wanted to be one of those girls. That girl.

I have been looking at tumblr and flikr pages. I want to take cool pics of the cool things in my life. Sexy things. Body parts. Elusive and sexy. Rumpled beds. Cool apartments. Exotic cities.

I wanted to be a cool girl in high school. I wasn’t. I was an invisible girl. I was my sister’s sister. My brother’s sister. My mother’s daughter. I was never just Kebbie. I have been at points in my life.

I grab onto it for a little while….and then I lose it again. For a few minutes I am the popular girl at the party.

I am the girl wearing naughty undies under a formal dress. I am the girl that takes elusive and sexy pictures of blurred and various body parts.

Then it slips away again. And I am the Mommy. The wanna be Mommy. The one trying to get to be a Mommy. The wife that is unclogging the toilet. Digging the garden. Wearing granny panties under Mom jeans. – Ok, kids – let us not go THAT far. But you get the picture. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. Being a Mama is all I have ever wanted. But sometimes....

I will be 41 in a week. I will be doing my three millionth IVF in a couple of months. I will be babysitting 5 kids under the age of 3. I will be the mother of a 3 year old and the Aunt Keb to a 15 year old.

Somewhere in there I will lose the 15 pounds I have gained since breaking my toes TWICE. And lose another 35 pounds.

And maybe – just maybe ….if you see a picture of a blurred random body part…or rumpled bed….or both…maybe I will have become that girl.

(sexy body part...not mine)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

4 days to write a blog!?

Friday, February 4, 2011

8:49 a.m. I blog daily in my head – always – no matter what I am doing. The blogs in my head are always WAY more exciting than the ones in type. Why is that? I think it is because I forget the cute and witty things I think about once I get the chance to sit down.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am the most Unorganized person on the planet. I TRY – I really do. But I fail … miserably. Every night before I go to bed I read flylady. She tells me to shine my sink. I realize that I have a sink full of dirty dishes because I still have not made our chore chart.

TODAY is my day tho!! Every time I walk into a room I am going to do SOMETHING. Wash a glass, fold a shirt, pick something up off the floor, polish a mirror, iron a shirt – you get the picture. I am NOT going to sit in my chair and chat online or watch tv. I am going to ACCOMPLISH something.

In every house I have had I have tried to keep it clean, organized and well decorated. My dining room is VERY well decorated right now. Valentines Day is up – Along with the Christmas garland above the window. I am thinking about just taking the Christmas stuff of it and hanging hearts on it.

11:19 a.m. Ok, so my plan is working well so far. The dishes are ¾ of the way done, I have successfully ironed 2 shirts, moved the drier out and cleaned behind it, reattached the drier hose so that my bathroom is not a dusty sauna every time we dry clothes, washed 2 loads of laundry, breakfast for 3 kids and snacks. Lots of diaper changes in between and 2 successful trips to the potty! Don’t forget about the 3 phone calls I have had to make this morning. dashing off to get juice bottles back in a bit

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

8:45 a.m. – Ok – 4 days to write something that no one wants to read!? Really!?!?! Sheesh – Bottles done, breakfast served, snow swirling down, TODAY show on. On my 4th cup of coffee for the day.

The house is coming right along. Still a LONG way to go but I am still doing “something” every time I walk through a room. It is working well. Chunk’s Mom convinced me to go to a core and strength class last night. It feels like a troop of monkeys danced on my spine all night. I think I might have broken a muscle or something. Note to self – wrap your broke ass toe before Zumba tonight!! I feel better now that I am working out again. I HAVE to work out – I think I have gained about 10 pounds. Or it feels like it. I am too scared to get on the scale. And ashamed. I took my sweat pants off this morning and put jeans on. I don’t over eat when I am already wearing tight jeans. Trying to do liquids during the day and a meal in the evening to get back on track.

There was a big kafuffle on FB a few weeks ago. A 42 year old man that I went to high school with seems to have lost his mind. We are planning a 25th HS reunion and he some how got involved. Ended up threatening one of the other women and called me a “fat ass bitch”. WTH!? 42 years old and the best you can come up with is to call me fat? Yeesh! Oh well. I decided the best way to deal with him was to ignore him. He seems to have faded back into his life for now though. Mental illness is sad. Being a dickhead is pathetic.

Speaking of swearing. My days of doing it all of the time are over. Having a daughter that is almost 3 and a little mocking bird have taught me that it is not a good idea. There are stories there – but I will spare you all. YIKES! And besides – nobody likes a potty mouth.

Just heard in my living room –

“ANNABELLA!!! Don’t pick your boogies!! That is GROSS!”

Life is grand!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Love, peace and the pursuit of happiness....

In honor of Valentines day coming up - I thought I would write about love....

I have always loved with a passion. Loved too hard. Too deep. Too much. Too easily. It is how I was raised. It is part of the circumstances of my childhood. Years of therapy - did I say years? I mean YEARS of therapy have shown me that it is ok to love in healthy ways. And to allow myself to be loved. In healthy ways.

Love comes in many forms. And at different times. Polyamory - Many loves. The ability to love more than one person at once. The ability to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. So many ways to love and only so many years in our life. So many opportunities to share ourselves. To open our hearts.

An article from Newsweek about it - I thought it was interesting - I agree with some of it -- And not with other parts of it --

I am not talking about that creepy polyamory of "swingers clubs" or the men with God complexes that think they are going to repopulate the world with their child brides. I am talking about the ability for adults to love each other. To be monogamous with more than one person. - Oxymorinic I know -- But it makes sense to me. Everything in life does not involve sex, you know. Sometimes, it is just love.

It is sharing of family. The sharing of lifes responsibility. The sharing of raising children. The sharing of financial responsibility. The sharing of deep contented peace. The sharing of spiritual growth. The sharing of your heart. And the sharing of love.

I have promised myself that I would open myself to more love this year. I have promised myself that I would open myself to God. And do my best to let him lead the way. To let him guide my life. To find the peace deep down within.

I have promised myself that for the first time in almost 41 years that I would allow myself to be happy. Truly happy.

These are just a few of my thoughts to -- right, wrong or indifferent - they are mine.

I wish you all love, peace and happiness.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

January 19, 2000 til now.

Eleven years ago yesterday I gave birth to my triplets. 2 girls and a boy. Olivia Rose, Avery Clare and Maxwell James. The best and worst day of my life. I never knew what love was before I had them. They died. My marriage ended. I lost all of my friends. I had a breakdown.

When my married ended. Very few people stood by me. Even my very best friends did not understand. I was alone. And I found love all over again. Ken was in my life. I had found love.

Some people do not know what it has taken me 18 years to have my beautiful Lilly. I started infertility treatments when I was 22 years old. I am now spitting distance from 41. I want another one.

My life is complicated. My relationships are complicated. The way I love is complicated. My life has more love in it than I ever could have imagined. It is different. But it is happy and it is mine.
I still have that hippy chick commune living mentality. And I am good with it.

While I do not quote scripture and PTL in public all of the time. I am good with my spiritual connection. I am a work in progress. I usually feel like Weezy in Steel Magnolias - at the end where she says - YES, I PRAY! -- It seems to surprise people that someone so liberal, someone who can love more than one person at a time, someone so far to the left -- prays often. But I do.

I want to have another baby. I know that I am not done having babies yet. We shall see what this year brings for us. I was SO very blessed to have my beautiful 15 year old niece move in with us this year. She is a wonderful, bright, funny and caring girl. She is typical of most 15 year olds -- always with her cell in her hand. To me - She is perfect. Both of my girls are.

Lilly will be 3 March 27th. Who would have EVER thought that I would have a 3 year old!?!?! She is amazing. Funny as all get out -- NEVER closes her mouth. Who knows where that comes from!?!?! HA!

Life is far from easy - But it is mine - And it is a good life.


ps - This was going to be about all of the junk I have eaten in the past two days to sooth my soul, my lack of exercising, the fact that I have gained weight, blah blah blah.... But once I started writing -- It just wasn't all that important...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Magnolia Pearl...


Her name was Magnolia Pearl and she had crystal blue eyes. She was born in a gypsy wagon in the woods with the sounds of trickling water and the Earth to welcome her into the world. There was nothing average about her. She barely cried her first cry. She was a peaceful baby born at sunrise and surrounded by love. The love of her mother, father, God and the love of the universe.

As she grew she was funny, bright and loving. Her laughter sounded like wind chimes. In her mother and fathers eyes she was perfect. Bright blue eyes and long dark curls. She could swim like a fish and run like the wind. She spoke with a soft Southern lilt.

In the evenings she sat by the fire and listened to her the stories her father would tell her. Tales of life lived in far away lands. Travels around the world. Tales of how he met her mother and how their love and dreams grew into her. Of the day she was born and the joy that she brought them. She learned of her ancestors and religion.

Friends they made here and there on their travels tried calling her Maggie, but she insisted they call her by her given name, Magnolia Pearl. When someone questioned her instance she would explain the meaning of her name. Magnolia, the state flower of Louisiana. A tall strong tree with its roots firmly in the ground and beautifully scented creamy white flowers. And Pearl. A tiny grain of sand lovingly wrapped in a shell, cherished until it was ready for the world to see.

Just like her.

Her mother and father had waited a lifetime and then some for her arrival. And unexpectedly she came at sunrise on a spring morning.

One night while her mother watched her sleep tucked in rich blue velvet, Magnolia pushed her hair from her face. And in an instant her mother saw Magnolia's future. Not as the beautiful precocious child, but as the woman she would be. Happy, healthy and wise.

Magnolia Pearl was a little girl born of love, dreams and hope. A little girl raised in a Gyspy Wagon deep in the woods, by a stream, surrounded by love.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Gypsy Wagon

My Gypsy Wagon....

In my next life...when I am alone...I shall live in a gypsy wagon deep in the woods. It will be beautiful and have everything that I need. I will never want for anything. I will have long hair, clear eyes and skin. I will be what others see in me.

I shall have a lover. His eyes bluer than my own. His beard will be as long as my hair. We shall have been together for so long that we have begun to look alike.

In our wagon in the woods we will have a stream close be able to listen to the trickle of water. It will lead to a waterfall where we bathe. Where we swim in each others arms. A rock where we can lay in the sun like young lovers after a day of making love.

I will become a master chef of foraged things. I will wake when the sun rises and drift to sleep somewhere in the dark.

I will love with everything that I am. Even if it is only myself.

My Gyspy Wagon will have beautiful wheels..So when I grow weary of my woods -- We shall change locations...

We will spend the rest of our days and our nights in my Gypsy wagon.