The Truth About Fat Chicks (or this one, at least)

That Girl....

2011-02-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am pouty and whiny. Everyone is asleep. And I am websurfing. And it is making me even more pouty and whiny.

I want to be one of those girls. I have always wanted to be one of those girls. That girl.

I have been looking at tumblr and flikr pages. I want to take cool pics of the cool things in my life. Sexy things. Body parts. Elusive and sexy. Rumpled beds. Cool apartments. Exotic cities.

I wanted to be a cool girl in high school. I wasn’t. I was an invisible girl. I was my sister’s sister. My brother’s sister. My mother’s daughter. I was never just Kebbie. I have been at points in my life.

I grab onto it for a little while….and then I lose it again. For a few minutes I am the popular girl at the party.

I am the girl wearing naughty undies under a formal dress. I am the girl that takes elusive and sexy pictures of blurred and various body parts.

Then it slips away again. And I am the Mommy. The wanna be Mommy. The one trying to get to be a Mommy. The wife that is unclogging the toilet. Digging the garden. Wearing granny panties under Mom jeans. – Ok, kids – let us not go THAT far. But you get the picture. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my life. Being a Mama is all I have ever wanted. But sometimes....

I will be 41 in a week. I will be doing my three millionth IVF in a couple of months. I will be babysitting 5 kids under the age of 3. I will be the mother of a 3 year old and the Aunt Keb to a 15 year old.

Somewhere in there I will lose the 15 pounds I have gained since breaking my toes TWICE. And lose another 35 pounds.

And maybe – just maybe ….if you see a picture of a blurred random body part…or rumpled bed….or both…maybe I will have become that girl.

(sexy body part...not mine)

4 days to write a blog!?

2011-02-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 4, 2011

8:49 a.m. I blog daily in my head – always – no matter what I am doing. The blogs in my head are always WAY more exciting than the ones in type. Why is that? I think it is because I forget the cute and witty things I think about once I get the chance to sit down.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I am the most Unorganized person on the planet. I TRY – I really do. But I fail … miserably. Every night before I go to bed I read flylady. She tells me to shine my sink. I realize that I have a sink full of dirty dishes because I still have not made our chore chart.

TODAY is my day tho!! Every time I walk into a room I am going to do SOMETHING. Wash a glass, fold a shirt, pick something up off the floor, polish a mirror, iron a shirt – you get the picture. I am NOT going to sit in my chair and chat online or watch tv. I am going to ACCOMPLISH something.

In every house I have had I have tried to keep it clean, organized and well decorated. My dining room is VERY well decorated right now. Valentines Day is up – Along with the Christmas garland above the window. I am thinking about just taking the Christmas stuff of it and hanging hearts on it.

11:19 a.m. Ok, so my plan is working well so far. The dishes are ¾ of the way done, I have successfully ironed 2 shirts, moved the drier out and cleaned behind it, reattached the drier hose so that my bathroom is not a dusty sauna every time we dry clothes, washed 2 loads of laundry, breakfast for 3 kids and snacks. Lots of diaper changes in between and 2 successful trips to the potty! Don’t forget about the 3 phone calls I have had to make this morning. dashing off to get juice bottles back in a bit

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

8:45 a.m. – Ok – 4 days to write something that no one wants to read!? Really!?!?! Sheesh – Bottles done, breakfast served, snow swirling down, TODAY show on. On my 4^th cup of coffee for the day.

The house is coming right along. Still a LONG way to go but I am still doing “something” every time I walk through a room. It is working well. Chunk’s Mom convinced me to go to a core and strength class last night. It feels like a troop of monkeys danced on my spine all night. I think I might have broken a muscle or something. Note to self – wrap your broke ass toe before Zumba tonight!! I feel better now that I am working out again. I HAVE to work out – I think I have gained about 10 pounds. Or it feels like it. I am too scared to get on the scale. And ashamed. I took my sweat pants off this morning and put jeans on. I don’t over eat when I am already wearing tight jeans. Trying to do liquids during the day and a meal in the evening to get back on track.

There was a big kafuffle on FB a few weeks ago. A 42 year old man that I went to high school with seems to have lost his mind. We are planning a 25^th HS reunion and he some how got involved. Ended up threatening one of the other women and called me a “fat ass bitch”. WTH!? 42 years old and the best you can come up with is to call me fat? Yeesh! Oh well. I decided the best way to deal with him was to ignore him. He seems to have faded back into his life for now though. Mental illness is sad. Being a dickhead is pathetic.

Speaking of swearing. My days of doing it all of the time are over. Having a daughter that is almost 3 and a little mocking bird have taught me that it is not a good idea. There are stories there – but I will spare you all. YIKES! And besides – nobody likes a potty mouth.

Just heard in my living room –

“ANNABELLA!!! Don’t pick your boogies!! That is GROSS!”

Life is grand!!

Love, peace and the pursuit of happiness....

2011-01-21T05:17:00.000-08:00

In honor of Valentines day coming up - I thought I would write about love....

I have always loved with a passion. Loved too hard. Too deep. Too much. Too easily. It is how I was raised. It is part of the circumstances of my childhood. Years of therapy - did I say years? I mean YEARS of therapy have shown me that it is ok to love in healthy ways. And to allow myself to be loved. In healthy ways.

Love comes in many forms. And at different times. Polyamory - Many loves. The ability to love more than one person at once. The ability to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. So many ways to love and only so many years in our life. So many opportunities to share ourselves. To open our hearts.

An article from Newsweek about it - I thought it was interesting - I agree with some of it -- And not with other parts of it -- http://www.newsweek.com/2009/07/28/only-you-and-you-and-you.html

I am not talking about that creepy polyamory of "swingers clubs" or the men with God complexes that think they are going to repopulate the world with their child brides. I am talking about the ability for adults to love each other. To be monogamous with more than one person. - Oxymorinic I know -- But it makes sense to me. Everything in life does not involve sex, you know. Sometimes, it is just love.

It is sharing of family. The sharing of lifes responsibility. The sharing of raising children. The sharing of financial responsibility. The sharing of deep contented peace. The sharing of spiritual growth. The sharing of your heart. And the sharing of love.

I have promised myself that I would open myself to more love this year. I have promised myself that I would open myself to God. And do my best to let him lead the way. To let him guide my life. To find the peace deep down within.

I have promised myself that for the first time in almost 41 years that I would allow myself to be happy. Truly happy.

These are just a few of my thoughts to -- right, wrong or indifferent - they are mine.

I wish you all love, peace and happiness.

January 19, 2000 til now.

2011-01-20T06:34:00.001-08:00

Eleven years ago yesterday I gave birth to my triplets. 2 girls and a boy. Olivia Rose, Avery Clare and Maxwell James. The best and worst day of my life. I never knew what love was before I had them. They died. My marriage ended. I lost all of my friends. I had a breakdown.

When my married ended. Very few people stood by me. Even my very best friends did not understand. I was alone. And I found love all over again. Ken was in my life. I had found love.

Some people do not know what it has taken me 18 years to have my beautiful Lilly. I started infertility treatments when I was 22 years old. I am now spitting distance from 41. I want another one.

My life is complicated. My relationships are complicated. The way I love is complicated. My life has more love in it than I ever could have imagined. It is different. But it is happy and it is mine.
I still have that hippy chick commune living mentality. And I am good with it.

While I do not quote scripture and PTL in public all of the time. I am good with my spiritual connection. I am a work in progress. I usually feel like Weezy in Steel Magnolias - at the end where she says - YES, I PRAY! -- It seems to surprise people that someone so liberal, someone who can love more than one person at a time, someone so far to the left -- prays often. But I do.

I want to have another baby. I know that I am not done having babies yet. We shall see what this year brings for us. I was SO very blessed to have my beautiful 15 year old niece move in with us this year. She is a wonderful, bright, funny and caring girl. She is typical of most 15 year olds -- always with her cell in her hand. To me - She is perfect. Both of my girls are.

Lilly will be 3 March 27th. Who would have EVER thought that I would have a 3 year old!?!?! She is amazing. Funny as all get out -- NEVER closes her mouth. Who knows where that comes from!?!?! HA!

Life is far from easy - But it is mine - And it is a good life.

Cheers!
Keb

ps - This was going to be about all of the junk I have eaten in the past two days to sooth my soul, my lack of exercising, the fact that I have gained weight, blah blah blah.... But once I started writing -- It just wasn't all that important...

Magnolia Pearl...

2011-01-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

magnolia...

Her name was Magnolia Pearl and she had crystal blue eyes. She was born in a gypsy wagon in the woods with the sounds of trickling water and the Earth to welcome her into the world. There was nothing average about her. She barely cried her first cry. She was a peaceful baby born at sunrise and surrounded by love. The love of her mother, father, God and the love of the universe.

As she grew she was funny, bright and loving. Her laughter sounded like wind chimes. In her mother and fathers eyes she was perfect. Bright blue eyes and long dark curls. She could swim like a fish and run like the wind. She spoke with a soft Southern lilt.

In the evenings she sat by the fire and listened to her the stories her father would tell her. Tales of life lived in far away lands. Travels around the world. Tales of how he met her mother and how their love and dreams grew into her. Of the day she was born and the joy that she brought them. She learned of her ancestors and religion.

Friends they made here and there on their travels tried calling her Maggie, but she insisted they call her by her given name, Magnolia Pearl. When someone questioned her instance she would explain the meaning of her name. Magnolia, the state flower of Louisiana. A tall strong tree with its roots firmly in the ground and beautifully scented creamy white flowers. And Pearl. A tiny grain of sand lovingly wrapped in a shell, cherished until it was ready for the world to see.

Just like her.

Her mother and father had waited a lifetime and then some for her arrival. And unexpectedly she came at sunrise on a spring morning.

One night while her mother watched her sleep tucked in rich blue velvet, Magnolia pushed her hair from her face. And in an instant her mother saw Magnolia's future. Not as the beautiful precocious child, but as the woman she would be. Happy, healthy and wise.

Magnolia Pearl was a little girl born of love, dreams and hope. A little girl raised in a Gyspy Wagon deep in the woods, by a stream, surrounded by love.

My Gypsy Wagon

2011-01-04T08:33:00.000-08:00

My Gypsy Wagon....

In my next life...when I am alone...I shall live in a gypsy wagon deep in the woods. It will be beautiful and have everything that I need. I will never want for anything. I will have long hair, clear eyes and skin. I will be what others see in me.

I shall have a lover. His eyes bluer than my own. His beard will be as long as my hair. We shall have been together for so long that we have begun to look alike.

In our wagon in the woods we will have a stream close by...to be able to listen to the trickle of water. It will lead to a waterfall where we bathe. Where we swim in each others arms. A rock where we can lay in the sun like young lovers after a day of making love.

I will become a master chef of foraged things. I will wake when the sun rises and drift to sleep somewhere in the dark.

I will love with everything that I am. Even if it is only myself.

My Gyspy Wagon will have beautiful wheels..So when I grow weary of my woods -- We shall change locations...

We will spend the rest of our days and our nights in my Gypsy wagon.

Broken toes and fuck you's...

2010-12-27T13:38:00.001-08:00

BEWARE -- If you read past this --

You are going to hear swear words used a LOT. It is that kind of day -- and blog post --

This is my fuck you! post of the year. Ok - the end of the year.

Christmas Eve I managed to trip over the couch and break my middle toe on my right foot. At times - like when one of the kids uses my foot as a handy helper to stay up -- it hurts so back I might hurl. I keep trying NOT to scream FFFUUUUCK!!! But it is hard.

I was standing in the shower this morning like an overgrown human version of a flamingo with scalding hot water running over my body thinking...

Thinking about all of the people I would say FUCK YOU! to. I wanted to think of them and send send them light and love -- but the only light I could muster was laser beams and the only love I could muster was FUCK YOU!, your Mama and your Grandmama. Charming, I know.

I want desparately to be that calm and loving woman. The mother Earth. The baby wearing vixXxen. Truth is -- I am just tired of feeling like the world is fucking with me. Yes, yes, yes -- I know - it is the end of the year coming to a head. I am on my period. My 41st birthday looms around the corner -- blah blah blah.

But really? Lady on the airplane that was eating a half gallon bag of green bell peppers!?!?! And jackoff husband that was playing on his Kindle. You REALLY had to throw a bitch fit because my cell phone would not turn off fast enough. The engines were not on, we were still at the gate and I have never heard of a plane falling down because my fucking Blackberry wouldn't turn off before the plane had even started.

Christmas day screwed up by -- Well, that is not worth getting into in public. But it sucked. I was so very jealous of everyone posting on Facebook about their Rockwell type days. Their perfect families. All of it. I finally said fuck it and took a nap - After an amazing primerib dinner -- the night ended on a high note.

Did I mention my toe HURTS!? It does -- big shooting pain up my leg.

People all up in my Kool-Aid and don't even know what flavor it is. Fuck you! dude on the plane that called me a "fat bitch". My cell phone wouldn't turn off -- Mind your own business or like I said, sit down and shut up. I hate being embarrassed. But I was about to roll up my sleeves, put my hair in a pony tail and take my earrings out. Somebody almost made me lose my Christian.

And to those of you that have recently made me cry - Fuck you too! -

And as I stood there under the cooling water -- sending all of my FUCK YOU's! out into the Universe - I began to feel better. I began to feel that calmness creep over me. Yeah, I was still a tad pissed at the couch. But I was feeling better in my heart and soul. My skin was bright red...washed anew and all of that jazz. I sent a little love and light out to those poor bastards that I had just cursed. Things coming back 10 fold and that kind of thing.

Sometimes it just feels good to let it all out...

As I dried off I thought about something I had read before - To maintain weight loss and keep it going -- Put on a pair of pants that are a tad tight -- Or at least fitted -- NOT sweats/stretchy pants. I lived in sweats this weekend. So I put on my tightest size 16's. And they were comfortable. And a slim black t-shirt. I wouldn't wear the shirt out alone -- but it has kept me in check as far as eating goes today.

So that is my tale of my broken toe and telling people to fuck off...

As Scarlett always says -- Tomorrow is another day.
Happy Almost New Year!
Keb
(who is 2 pounds lighter even after vacation)

Self forgivness...

2010-12-06T20:59:00.001-08:00

I have told so many people -- be gentle with yourself. And I always mean it - But I can rarely do it with myself.

We are our own worst enemy and our harshest critics.

No matter how fast I can walk on the treadmill, how many miles I can bike, how hard i can dance and work out - It is rare that I ever feel that it is good enough. I beat myself up for it. I used to comfort myself with food. The endless cycle that made me fat to begin with. I do not do it so much anymore. I suppose that if I still had "fun size" Snickers in the house I might be eating them while typing this out. But I am not. I am just typing. Not focusing on food to sooth my blues. Just words.

I often let other dictate my moods. It happens especially when I am not feeling all that great - Like tonight. I was kinda (understatement) sick today. So I any time I spent with anyone else - I absorbed their mood - no matter what it was. Talk about a roller coaster.

Fortunately - I am making the CHOICE to end my evening to feel love and be able to love...

Love and peace --

And most of all,

Be Gentle With Yourself.

Keb

Update on me!

2010-12-01T18:54:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone!

I hope everyone is having a happy beginning of the holiday season!

Life is good around these parts! I thought I was a little too tight but I see to have lost enough to loosen up enough to eat hard protein.

I bounced back and forth with my weight for awhile. I am now GLEEFULLY at 225 pounds - and that was weighing myself at the gym after working out at the end of the day. This weekend I will weigh first thing in the morning. I have lost 65 pounds.

It has taken me a while to really get my head in the game - but now it is there 100%. I am going to Zumba 3 days a week with the goal of becoming an instructor once I lose about 40 more pounds and build up my stamina. I am also going to the gym 2-3 days a week.

Since 7/14/09 I have lost 65 pounds and gone from a size 28/30 pants to a XL/16-18. I no longer need a 4X t-shirt to be roomy - I am ok with a 2X hanging off of me. I can buy an XL gym shorts a be fine with them.

I think that eventually there will be a 360 body lift in my future. I have had too many babies and gained and lost too many pounds for the skin to bounce back to where it used to be.

Now my muscles and body hurts because I am exhausted from the gym - not hauling my fat ass up and down the stairs.

I can RUN on the treadmill now -- granted - it is only for 60 seconds at a time (and I am almost in tears the last 20 of those seconds) but I CAN do it! Last weekend I took a Master Zumba Class from the AMAZING Nathan Blake. It was 2 1/2 hrs. The next morning I took a 3 hrs chair dance class (think stripper dance with a chair instead of a pole). It was phenomenal. Starting tomorrow night I will be taking a one hr Zumba class followed by a one hr hip hop class. LOVE IT!

If you are considering weight loss surgery and wondering if it will work for you -- No one can answer that for you. But I can tell you that it is the very best thing I have ever done for myself. I have not lost the 100 pounds in my first year that I wanted to -- But I look and feel amazing. I feel better at 40 than I ever did at 20.

Cheers,
Keb
290/225/210 (mini goal)
(cross posted to FB and www.thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com)

FINALLY!!

2010-11-22T21:27:00.001-08:00

I remembered my email account and password and I am back into my own blog!

YAY!!

So much to catch up on...So very much.

Life is going grand. Lilly is two and a half and a little baby wild thing. I have reconnected with SO many friends via Facebook - Including my friend, Dalton. We have not seen each other since I was 15. Double YAY! Ken is still going to school and probably will be until he is a million years old. Ann and Dan had their twins, Quentin and Madeline. They are beautiful!!! Steph and Dave are pregnant again.

And our biggest news is that my niece, Sadie, came to live with us. TRIPLE YAY!!! She is going to J/E HS and is in the 10th grade. She is beautiful, smart and funny as hell. And a typical 15 year old. Her grades are fair - But we are working on that.

My new "job" is babies -- And bunches of them! I babysit a couple of babies - 5 days a week. My time is crazy - But I get to stay home with my beautiful Lilly and Sadie.

The weight loss is going great! I had gotten down to 214 - But my band was too tight and I was dehydrated so within a couple of days of getting an unfill I gained 20 pounds. WTF!?!?!? So BACK on the "Band Wagon", so to speak.

I am down to 225 once again. I am Zumba'ing and working out in the gym a couple of days a week. Looking to bump that up a little soon.

I want to loose 40 more by February - My birthday - I bought 3 pairs of size 16 jeans last weekend. Those are for inspiration. Let's hope it works!! =) I want to lose another 10 by Christmas.

Wish me luck!!
So many things to be THANKFUL for!!!
Blessings,
Keb
289/225/210 by Christmas - mini-goal...

Lilly Turned Two!!

2010-03-28T11:52:00.001-07:00

WOW, What a weekend! Our baby girl turned TWO!

Not knowing how to do anything small or quietly we closed the House of Bounce for 2 hours and had her party there. It was FANTASTIC! We invited everyone we knew - All of the kids from the sitter's, kids from soccer (yes, she goes to soccer - TOO CUTE for words!), our friends and friends of theirs, And basically everyone that we know, once knew, or wanted to be friends with! We had about 25 kids and 20 adults. We did pizza, cupcakes, salad and pasta salad -- We had a VERY cute barnyard theme.

For favors we had peat pots with dirt, bean seeds, crayons with a barn yard coloring sheet all wrapped and tied.

There were giant farm animal balloons, regular balloons - One of my dearest friends came over and told me that he knew it wasn't present time yet - But this present was for the party so, of course, we let Lilly open it first -- and it was -- BALLOON ANIMALS!! Who knew Alan had this secret talent!! Talk about being the hit of the party! Then my friend Steph stepped up and started making balloon puppies. Then another friend John hopped in and started making these AMAZING things and put together CINDERELLA for Lilly. She was even holding a pumpkin - the balloon Cinderella, not Lilly.

And the cake was not a cake but CUPCAKES!!! With farm animal cookies on top.

Wow, wow, wow!!

The party was so busy that we did not even do presents at the party - Do you know how many presents 50 people bring? a LOT! It was a complete embarrassment of riches. We will be going through her older toys to pick out things to donate. 2 of our best friends came back to the house with their kids to help us open gifts. The kids had a wonderful time ripping paper and fighting over things. Lots of pics were taken of this too!;)

It was a wonderful day! Today is our friend Dan's birthday. We are going over there this evening for a party. I am making the cupcakes for this party -- They will not be NEARLY as fancy, I assure you!*LOL*

What a great end to a great weekend!

www.justjunque.blogspot.com

2010-03-19T09:24:00.002-07:00

Not only do I have my fun blog here -- But I also blog about my art!

Follow me there too, won't you?

I am going to have an exciting giveaway soon and am trying to do a fun trade!

Cheers!,
Keb

Wii Fit and Today

2010-03-19T09:24:00.001-07:00

LOVING MINE!! The weather still isn't so we can go out and play or work out in the yard. Too muddy and wet from the 6 feet of snow that melted.

The windows are open to air the Winter out of the . The baby is down for her nap. Coffee is on. My water bottle was filled. Paints, glass and everything else is on the dining room table all set up for my paint time after my shower. I cleaned the house yesterday, so it is all pretty and clean. Candles are burning making it smell even yummier!

So back to the Wii Fit! - Unpacked it, got everything set up, put on my yoga pants and t-shirt, and ready to go. Thirty minutes later, I am a little winded, a little sweaty and E N E R G I Z E D!!! What an awesome workout and it fit right into my morning. Once in the morning and once at night to start.

I LOVE IT!!!

Have a happy day!

23 1/2 Months...Oh my how the time flies...

2010-03-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

or it could be titled -- Where the hell have I been!?!?!

Hello!! I am not sure if everyone knows me...I have not posted in what seems like ages.

This year I turned 40. Yes. I know. I am older than most of the other Mamas around here. And yet, not as old as some. Lilly will be 2 in 21 days.

I am in awe of her. I watch her do things and sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I listen to her sing or talk to herself and it makes me cry. I could not be any prouder of her if she walked on water. It is smart, beautiful and funny as hell. She has my temper and her father's stubborn attitude. She looks nothing like me. Except the color of her eyes. And oddly enough - I am raising a child in Central New York with a southern accent.

She pretend plays, can count to ten, and loves to sing. She knows the colors pink and yellow. She still takes a bottle, sucks her binkie and drinks from a sippy. She is potty training herself. She tells when she has to potty and we go. We will get more serious about it next month. She has yet to have her first haircut and her mullet FINALLY started to grow in (THANK GOD). She talks with a lisp so instead of saying yes -- it sounds more like yeth. She still has a giant gap between her two front teeth. She goes to the sitters a couple of days a week just so she gets to play with other kids and doesn't spend too much time with Mama. She plays well with others (most of the time). She never met a pair of shoes she didn't LOVE. She adores farm animals. So much so that the theme of her birthday party is going to be farm animals.

Unlike some people -- I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted to have my own children. I did not fall accidentally into mother hood. I spent 18 (yes, I said EIGHTEEN) years trying to become one. I did my first IUI shortly after my 21st birthday. I did not conceive until I was 28. That was my first IVF. We implanted three embroys and three took. I went into labor at 25 weeks. I stayed in the hospital "upside down" for almost 4 weeks. I gave birth at 29 weeks and they only lived for a day. It took me a divorce, a move to NYC, a new husband, a move to Upstate and over 6 years to try again. 4 IVFs in 2007....Lilly was our last IVF of that year. And TAADAAAAA!!! Here we are today. More blessed than I ever thought we would be.

We have had two failed cycles lately. One with no eggs. And one with only one egg. Soon we will do it all over again.

I would love for Lilly to get to be a big sister. She would be really good at it. And I would love for Ken and I to get to be parents to another baby. We would be really good at it too.

So there you have it all in a nut shell.

Lilly will be two soon. Ken will be 50 in April, I am over 40 and time marches on....

All the best...
Keb (and Lilly and Ken too!)

If you haven't already -- And you want to -- Find us on FB (KebandKen Rose). I am constantly updating her pics there...

****This was also posted on the fertility forum that I participate in****

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2010-02-25T21:48:00.001-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

I can!
**the world's most amazing baby
**a husband that loves me unconditionally
**DVR
**baked chocolate
**good coffee

2010-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

I am still trying to get my blogging butt in gear. keep the blog going -- Pump it up!!

To be a blog about fat chicks, being a fat chick or being an artistic fat chick. WAIT A MINUTE, SAM! It can be about ALL of those things!! Because I am all of those things.

Tonight we made a pilgrimage out to Cicero to pick up a dining room set off of Freecycle. The man was kind enough to haul it all back here in his truck for us. SWEET! There is a table, 6 chairs, a hutch and tea cart. LOVES IT! Ok, I am not a huge fan of blond pine wood or Danish Modern. But for free!? I LOVE it! And eventually, it will be painted with tender loving care! The table is tucked into a nook in the dining room. The hutch and tea cart is in the kitchen and the chairs are already nestled around the table. DOUBLE SWEET! Tomorrow everything will get a scrubbing with some Murphy's oil soap and I will eventually get to the painting. Pics to follow, I promise. Before and After, of course.

That's the artsy side of the post -- The banded fat chick part --

I think I need a small unfill -- Over the past couple of days my band has gotten tighter -- MUCH -- tighter. I could not eat today - not until later this evening. It always helps to drink something hot before I eat. For whatever the reason it seems to relax the bad some. But that was not even helping today.

My weight has stalled -- Due to not being able to eat enough protein. I am sure. Also - NOT working out at all. I am in lazy winter hibernation mode. All I want to do is eat (if I could) and sleep. The perfect outfit would be comfy seats, big thick socks and some kind of hooded top. Pigtails/ponytail is a must also.

Yeah - that is SO not a skinny chick outfit. That is what fat girls wear to cover the fat.

It does help that before my birthday I had my hair colored, a massage, a pedicure and a facial. So I am not feeling as ugly as I COULD be feeling. But not as pretty as I could be feeling either.

It always goes back to how I am feeling, doesn't it!?

Ok - So now I am feeling sleepy and it is about time for me to give into it.
peace, love and protein shakes!
Keb
really fat/not so fat/cute chubby chick

Oh My!

2010-02-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

Has it really been this long since I have written anything??!?!?

What has happened to me? I feel like I have written every day. So much is going on and then at the same time nothing at all is happening!

Let's see.... This past weekend - I turned 40!! 40 -- Me. The girl who could not see life past 30. Well, I made it.

I am a 40 year old mother, wife, lover, accidental blogger and occasional artist.

My amazing younger sister, Carly, came for my party! It was fantastic to see her. 11 of my bestest friends came to celebrate with me. A fabu time was had by all right down to the pipe cleaner tiara (worn by yours truly), rings for the ladies and boutonnieres by the gents!

My weight loss goal was to get down to my 2-teens for my birthday. I didn't make the goal. But I AM down to 224. Not to shabby for the former fat girl of 289. I want to be there by Lilly's birthday. I have until the end of March.

My BFF Ann is preggo, great with child, knocked up, etc. I could not be happier for her. I thought I would take one of my besties getting pregnant before I did pretty hard. But it really wasn't so bad. I have the worlds most amazing baby. Now don't get me wrong - This does NOT mean that I am over baby fever. Not in the least.

My other bestest buddy, Alan, was in ICU with a serious case of Gullian Barre' Syndrome. Google it -- It is S E R I O U S! After that he was in the hospital for a week and then in rehab for a week. Not bad for a disease/syndrome that can kill people. I am very proud of him for making such a recovery.

I spent 2 1/2 days in the hospital. I had a HORRIFIC stomach virus and was suffering from severe dehydration and exhaustion. And a migraine. 2 1/2 days of morphine and zofran was just what the Dr. ordered.

Snow, snow and more snow...That is what is coming down around us. Lots and lots of snow.

And oh yeah -- The Saints WON the SUPERBOWL!! I am not a girl that normally follows football -- But it is the SAINTS!!! And we WON! Didn't just make it -- But actually WON! Crazy stuff I tell you!

For more pics of the worlds most perfect child and my party, check out my facebook page!

Heres to some more weight loss now that life is slowing down a tad!!
Cheers,
Keb

Cool blog/website!

2010-01-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

http://www.christinagphotography.com/blog/

Check it out!!

10 years ago...

2010-01-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

10 years ago today I gave birth to three perfect babies. Perfect eyes, perfect noses, perfect fingers and toes.

They were just too little.

10 years have gone by and today has not gotten any easier. I still miss you SO much. I still think about what you would be like. Libby would look just like me. Avery a gentle blending of myself and her father and Max just like his daddy.

Perfect little babies captured in time. Captured in my mind. Captured in my heart.

I miss you more than you can imagine. Sometimes more than my heart can stand.

I wish we had gotten to spend more than our few short hours together. I wish you had gotten the chance to grow up. The chance to blow out the candles on your 10th birthday cakes.

I miss you Libby, Avery and Max. Happy Birthday.
All ways,
Mama...

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2010-01-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

** LAKE EFFECT SNOW
** A husband that shovels
** Days in pajamas
** Babies that FINALLY learned how to say HO!HO!HO!
** Babies that call themselves Lovey...

Good days....

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2010-01-02T07:59:00.003-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

** Free After Holiday pictures for the worlds most perfect child
** More snow days
** Alka Seltzer cold and flu
** HOT coffee
** Protein shakes

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2010-01-02T07:59:00.001-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

** Free After Holiday pictures for the worlds most perfect child
** More snow days
** Alka Seltzer cold and flu
** HOT coffee
** Protein shakes

today's random thoughts....1/1/10

2010-01-01T19:20:00.001-08:00

I wish I was one of those people that could just put pen to paper and the words fall onto the page effortlessly ... The heaps of thoughts in my mind fall into organized little spaces all over the page. But it never happens that way -- Not for me.

Unfortunately, I write like I talk...even worse....I write like I think. I put pen to paper or in this case fingers to keyboard and things just fall out. they do not end up organized in black and white -
But they end up tossed onto the page like laundry that has just come from the dryer....all wadded up in a heaping big pile.

But I do it because I like it -- I am starting to enjoy words again. Enjoying the clicking of the keyboard, eventually rereading the thoughts on the page.

I never make resolutions for the new year -- But I do set goals.
My goal this year is to write more.
To get my life, myself and my thoughts more organized.
To get my body into shape.
To pursue a creative endeavor at least once a week.
To get rid of these last pesky 75 pounds.
To try to have another child.
And to be a better person, wife, lover and mother.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2010-01-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

I love the week between Christmas and New Year. It is the week that Ken takes off for vacation and we stay home in our own little cocoon. We eat left overs for lunch and dinner. Cookies for breakfast. And drink grown up egg nog in between.

We stay in our cozy pajamas most days only getting dressed to run to the store or go to friends.

This year it has been especially wonderful. Lilly turned 21 months old on December 27th. She is talking and playing more than ever. She has begun to do "pretend play". She got a HUGE kitchen for Christmas from her Auntie M. She will bring over different concoctions from her little pots and pans and give us bites while making little yummy murmurs.

She is just amazing. She never fails to make me laugh. We are SO blessed.

I wish you many blessings in the new year!

Cheers!!
Keb

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2009-12-29T10:49:00.001-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

**Ken's vacation
**Napping babies
**Fertility drugs
**Clean Laundry
**Friends

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2009-12-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

** snow days at home with everyone
** Heat
** Christmas PJs
** Protein Shakes
** A baby that will maul you to get a sip

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2009-12-26T20:08:00.001-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

**Lunch with friends
**A night at home watching movies with hubby
**Bedtime snuggles with the worlds most perfect child
**A whole new vocabulary from the worlds most perfect child
**The not so fine art of blogging

**Love sweet love...

Christmas Fat and other random thoughts...

2009-12-26T20:00:00.001-08:00

As always these are my thoughts and opinions and not meant to offend. These are my own personal feelings and I speak for no one else...

Christmas Fat and other random thoughts...

As always, it starts out with good intentions. A little taste of this and a little bite of that.

I want it all -- Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. Two hands gobbling up things like cookie monster.

yumyumyumnumnumnum

Ok - So maybe it wasn't all that bad. Maybe it just felt that way. But in hind site it did seem like gobblegobblegobble.

Only a couple of pounds. Nothing too bad. All of my clothes still fit. It isn't like I went up three sizes. Nothing is too tight.

But even that couple of pounds my skin feels too tight. My fingers feel like they are going to pop. Like in the summer when you swell from walking in the heat. But this time, my rings still fit. Actually, they are still too big. Even my shoes are still loose.

But I have gained. NOT the direction I want to go in.

I have another fill scheduled for 12:20 pm on Monday. I am hungry 2 hrs after I eat.

There are a lot of things that I can not eat still. Sometimes I get depressed driving past fast food restaurants. I miss not being able to stop and get cheese burger. I remember when I was a kid and McDonald's cooked their onions on the grill - that was before everyone and their brother was allergic to everything. I want that fu*king cheeseburger. More than most an imagine. But if I take a bite, it will just come back up. One bite will yield a half a cup of spit. So no cheeseburger for me. Actually, no ground meat products for me. If it is late enough in the evening and my band is relaxed/open enough I can eat a little ground meat. Until recently - I never had a problem with steak. Only once did it not work out so well. I can no longer eat doughy bread. I am ok if the bread is toasted.

What I DO have a problem with is SUGAR. Cake, candy, Christmas cookies all go down just fine. Icecream, also fine.

Willpower -- None.

I also have not been exercising. I NEED to exercise. I HAVE to exercise. It is really the only way I can continue to lose weight. My body has proved it is not the kind of body that can do it on dieting alone.

And no matter how or what anyone says - this IS a diet. It will ALWAYS be a diet. I will never be one of those people that can just eat whatever and never have to pay attention to it. I will always have to count protein and fat grams. And calories. And I am ok with that.

Like everyone else - I need encouragement. I need understanding. I need love.

I wish you all each of those things and so much more.

Keb
289/234/To get back on track (mini goal -- to lose 14 pounds)

Today's Attitude of Gratitude

2009-12-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

Can you name 5 things you are grateful for today?

** My wonderful friends from here and around the world
** My family - The one I was born with and the ones that I chose
** A baby that slept late on Christmas Morn, almost like she knew Mama and Daddy were up til almost 3am putting her kitchen together
** A day in our pjs
** And as always - Love, sweet, sweet love...

Merry Christmas, everyone!!! Whether you are with friends and family today or spending it alone -- I hope you have peace in your heart...

December 21, 2002

2009-12-21T22:32:00.001-08:00

December 21, 2002 I married the love of my life. We stood at the tip of Manhattan, in front of The Statue of Liberty, God, our family and friends and said "I do".

The past 7 years have been full of ups, downs and sideways. You have given me the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is amazing and has made us better people. She looks like a tiny version of you, has my temperament, and is truly the best of both of us. She is perfection in human form.

I count my blessings each and every day. Our marriage might not be perfect, but it is ours and I love it.

Thank you for everything that you do and everything that you are.

I would say "I do" all over again.

I love you,
Love,
Me

2009-12-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

Here are my before and after pics -- The pic on the left is from April 08. My daughter was about 4 weeks old. I was at my heaviest of 289. The pic on the right is from Dec. 1, 09 - At my current weight of 229.

So for those that have wanted to see what I look like -- This is it - My before and my current!

Here is to my next mini goal of 220!

Cheers,
Keb

Random thoughts for today...

2009-12-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

Ed note - This is NOT directed to anyone specific. If it offends you - I apologize in advance. These are my thoughts and opinions.

"The weight is not coming off."

"I should have had the other surgery."

"I had this done 3 months ago and have only lost 20 lbs."

"I feel like I am dieting."

I belong to a couple of support group forums, chat boards, weight loss forums and other places. I hear these things all of the time. What did you think you were getting yourselves into? This is not a magic fix.

I did not wake up one morning and weigh almost 300 pounds. I am not going to wake up tomorrow and weigh 120. I am sure that if I had gone the bypass route I would weigh MUCH less by now. I would probably be down 120 pounds instead of 60 pounds. But with the band I still have all of my hair, do not need to take additional vitamins (other than the normal daily ones I have always taken) and all of the calories and nutrients I take in get absorbed.

Yes, it is work. It is a LOT of work. It is HARD work. It IS being on a diet. I pay attention to what I eat. How much I eat. When I eat, etc. This is the way that normal people do it -- They just do not need to do it as diligently I do.

"I am just waiting for my fills to start working." "I am just waiting for proper restriction."

Waiting for something to happen? Stop waiting and be proactive. Again - this is NOT magic! Nor is it rocket science. Eat less, move more. Just because you CAN eat a ton, does not mean that you SHOULD eat a ton. Keep in mind that you spent a ton of money for this surgery - it is a tool - not a magic wand. Why would you spend $30,000 and then woof down a whole pizza!?!?! Just because you can?

Doing things because you could is what got you here in the first place.

All of these things frustrate me to no end. People just waiting for life to happen to them. People waiting for weight loss to come to them. People waiting for someone or something to do the work for them.

Do the work yourself. You will be a better person for it.

Of course I may just be projecting.

try this on....

2009-12-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

I logged on to write this morning... I see that Kathy beat me to it. And as always -- Says it all better than I ever could. But I shall try...

A friend called to tell me he bought me a jacket. What size, I ask - Always my first question when it comes to clothes. It's an Extra Large. I cringe. ya wasted your money, babe I thought it, I didn't say it out loud. I go over to his house last night. He is all excited after a little bit and says, Oh yeah - your new coat. More cringing. I HATE trying things on in front of people. The embarrassment when something doesn't fit makes me want to crawl UNDER the bed. He pulls out the coat. COOL! It is beautiful. Ya think it will fit? Of course it will. It will fit like a glove, just like it should. really? Do you know me!?! come on.

I should mention this friend is a fashion stylist. AMAZING taste. Owns his own clothing resale business. To me - His word about clothing is GOLD.

He helps me on with the new coat. And it fits. Like a glove. He was right.

Speaking of coats - I found another on yesterday. I REALLY expensive coat that I had bought at the thrift shop for about $5 last year. It didn't even come close to fitting. But I figured that I could always sell it on Ebay at some point. Well, I found it wadded up in the bottom of an closet yesterday. When I bought it -- I couldn't even get it up over my arms. Yesterday - It fit like a glove.

Sometimes I feel like I do not know myself. I will catch a glimpse in the mirror and do a double take.

I have had people say that can't tell I have lost any weight. They say they never noticed my weight. Yes, I know they are just being nice. I am down 5 sizes and over 60 pounds lost.

It is a big adjustment. But I am adjusting...

Life is pretty good.

Keb

289/231/for this IVF to work

Food and Keb

2009-11-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

My relationship with food has never been a good one, obviously! My last fill was tight. Gave me restriction. But as per the norm - I fought it as much as I could. If I got stuck - I spit up and kept going. Being sick the entire 9 months of pregnancy taught me that trick.

I feel like I am telling a deep dirty secret. My husband said to me the other day that it was like eating with an old girlfriend that was bulimic. NOT something I was striving for. Am I bulimic? No. Do I think I am or heading in that direction? No.

Where am I going with this? I am not really sure. So I would eat, sometimes things would stay down and things would be fine. Sometimes they would get stuck or come back up and I would go back to having dinner.

For the past few days I have been keeping track of calories. HOLY MOSES! I didn't think I was eating that much. I have been taking in 12-1600 calories a day. That is a lot -- too much. I am still doing Zumba about 3 times a week if not more.

What do you eat in a typical day? How do I get my calories down and still stay full?

I called in and scheduled another fill on Monday. I am getting hungry about every two - three hours.

This morning I decided to do a little protein shake fast for a couple of days to see if I can break this plateau.

I am thrilled with my weight loss so far - But I want to get back into it. We are going to try to do another IVF soon.

Keb
289/between 220-232/mini goal size 18 before the end of the year

old habits die HARD!

2009-11-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

Greetings all of my pretty, pretty people!

I have always known how hard it is to break habits. And am learning now it is even hard eating wise and in my personal life. I have MANY of them to break and wean myself from.

I was working and on a break - I work from home for those of you that do not know - I was HUNGRY -- I walked by a bag of raw almonds, counted them out in my hand (good, right!?!?!) and then proceeded to toss nearly the handful into my mouth. WHAT THE...!??!?! So I opened my mouth - like you would with a dog that had just grabbed your favorite shoe -- let them fall back into my hand, put them in a bowl and ate them like a normal person.

It is things like that that made me fat in the first place. MINDLESS EATING. Just chowing whatever and not thinking about it.

The good news is that I am now thinking about it.

Keb
DOB 7/14/9
289/229/to start counting calories and fat
www.thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com

NSV's and random thoughts....

2009-11-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

This is kinda just free thought for the night -- And I thought I would share.

I looked in the mirror tonight and did a double take -- FINALLY my boobs stick out farther than my stomach.

When I looked again in the mirror -- I saw that my back was flat. Not bunches of back fat.

I work out harder when I can not see myself in the mirror. When I see myself I remember how fat I still am...and how much farther I have to go.

I went to breakfast with friends the other day and I fit into the REALLY small side of a booth. When we went to sit down I saw how small it was and tried to get to the bigger side to no avail. So I planned on squeeeeezing in and being uncomfortable. I slid in with no problem.

All of my new pretty undies that I bought three weeks ago are now a size too big.

A friend was nice enough to get me a size 20 jeans - I am running out of clothes that actually fit and are not huge on me - I looked at them thinking that they would be WAY too small (they are actually about 2ish inches smaller in the waist than my other 20's). I did not want to try them on around anyone for fear of being embarrassed but that was not really an option. I put them on and while they were a little snug in the waist (I carry most of my weight in my stomach) THEY FIT! And I did not suffocate when I buttoned them.

People can hug me and put their arms all of the way around me. - We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. I need to grow.

I have lost 60 pounds on this journey.

If I miss a day working out -- I actually MISS it. I LIKE working out. I have not felt this way in a long time. I am actually looking for more time to be able to work out. I want to add weight lifting and toning into my routine.

I WANT to be pretty. I WANT to put make up on, do my hair, shave my legs and all of that happy stuff. And I now do those things. And most of the time, I DO feel pretty.

Writing my blog is a great way to help me work things out in my own head.

I watched The Biggest Loser (I am a big fan - no pun intended) and I cried. I would love to have the ability to dedicate that much time and effort to working out.

I NEED more love in my life. I feel able to GIVE more love.

In most ways - I am happier than I have ever been.

Not only are my rings too big, but my feet are almost a size smaller.

Physically, I feel better than I have in longer than I can remember.

But for now - It has been a hard, exhausting and emotionally draining night - And I need sleep.

Those are my thoughts for the night..... I wish you love, peace and 20 hugs a day....

Keb
289/229/size 10/mini goal - another 20 pounds by New Years (time to step it up!!)
Banded July 14, 2009
Dr. Weiss, Auburn, NY
www.thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com

Feelings of the day

2009-11-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have not written in a while - But that does not mean that I have not been thinking!

This is taken from a letter that I wrote someone earlier --
I am working SO very hard at trying to make myself a better person - physically and mentally. I NEED to feel better physically and mentally. I can not go through life feeling so bad about myself. I know I can't make myself younger or prettier -- But I can at least be thinner and healthier and hopefully happier.

I know you can't see the weight loss - and that really is ok. When you are as fat as I was/am it really does not matter if it is 10 pounds or 60 pounds. But I am one pound away from losing 60 pounds. I am down 6 pant sizes and half a shoe size (strange that your feet get smaller when you lose weight). I am hoping to reach my goal of 75 pounds by Christmas. That will be 75 pounds in 5 months. Not too bad, I don't think.

And yes, after reading over this -- I realize now more than ever - That I place my self worth on my size, what others think of me and how they treat me.

WOW! I really do feel this way - I lay out my feelings. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I want so desperately to be loved and liked. I don't think I know anyone that does not want those things. But I am realizing that I am giving people SO much power over me. WHY!?!?!?! Why do I let what others think of me be the ONE thing that gives me self worth?

Yet one more thing I need to work on.

On a VERY happy note --

I knew my size 28 jeans were WAY too big. The 26s were WAY too big. The 24s were WAY too big. Recently I have been tightening the belt 4 notches on my 22s. SOOooOoooo....tonight I went to the Salvation Army to see what they had in the big girls sizes. I bought 2 pair of 20's -- Thinking they would be too tight but would soon fit with a few Zumba classes and getting used to my restriction and not fighting to eat against the band.

A few minutes ago I tried them on to see just how many workouts it was going to take to get into them. NOT ONLY did they fit -- But they are ROOMY! Size 20s are ROOMY. Roomy enough that I will need to wear a belt with them.

When I started this journey I would have never worn a belt - I didn't even own one. My new to me size 20s need a belt.

I am so happy that I cried.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.

Keb
289/230/today's mini goal - size 16

I am so in love

2009-10-13T03:44:00.000-07:00

She is 22.5 pounds, 35 inches tall, huge blue eyes and chestnut brown curls.

I never ever thought I could love another person as much as I love her.

She is funny. She can say a few words. She is quite fond of spontaneous baby dancing. She can and does say - "Ah lub you, Mama. "

I love you too, Silly.

I am blessed beyond belief.

She is truly perfection in human form.

Sexy VS Sensual...my thoughts ....

2009-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

sexy

–adjective,

1.	concerned predominantly or excessively with sex; risqué: a sexy novel.

2.	sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality: the sexiest professor on campus.

3.	excitingly appealing; glamorous: a sexy new car.

Sensual

–adjective

1.	pertaining to, inclined to, or preoccupied with the gratification of the senses or appetites; carnal; fleshly.

2.	lacking in moral restraints; lewd or unchaste.

3.	arousing or exciting the senses or appetites.

4.	worldly; materialistic; irreligious.

5.	of or pertaining to the senses or physical sensation; sensory.

6.	pertaining to the philosophical doctrine of sensationalism.

Is there a difference to you? Which one do you see yourself as? Do the two intermingle?

For me – They are two different things. I do not see myself as sexy. I see young, skinny chicks as sexy. The ones that wear slinky, sexy clothes. Those cat like girls that move all slinky like. The ones all of the boys look at. I want to be looked at like that too. I want pretty undies and night gowns and sexy clothes too.

But, then I think about sexy as a feeling. Do I feel sexy? Sometimes. But, only if I am in a sexual position. That is a different thing than being sexy, I think. I want to be sexy all of the time. I want to get up and get dressed in the morning and think – Wow! I feel sexy as hell. I usually just feel functional.

Do I feel that I am a sexual person? Yes. I do. Do I think I am a sensual person? Yes. I do. I am very loving, very affectionate and a very physical person. I am a very tactile person. I love to touch. In sexual and nonsexual ways.

I spent a lot of time today thinking about the two and the differences and how they pertain to me. I want to be both. I want to be beautiful, sexy and sensual. I want to put on pretty things and not feel out of place or like I am wearing someone else's clothes. I want to feel like I am in my own skin – not like I am playing dress up.

How do you get there? How do you get to that mental place of being sexy? I know it is all in the head. From there the body will follow. I see plenty of big girls that are sexy. It is all in how they carry themselves. How they feel inside. I need to find that place inside so I can let it show on the outside.

Just one more thing I need to work on.

New NSV's (non scale victories)

2009-10-02T04:07:00.001-07:00

I have had a pair of shorts that my Mom bought me at the beginning of Summer sitting in my bedroom -- When I first got them they were at LEAST 6 inches from buttoning and were T I G H T across the booty. For S's & G's I tried them on the other night before I went to bed. They slipped right over my hips and buttoned without even sucking in my stomach. YAY ME!!! I think I am going to grab a pair of size 16/18 jeans this weekend to hang in the bathroom for some visualization. My size goal is to get down into a size 8/10. But I will be THRILLED with anything less than the 22 that I am now.

My next NSV is Zumba!! I went last night for the first time. WOW! If you have one near you RUN do not walk and get there. You do not have to do the high impact. You can march in place if you get over tired or out of breath. Don't get me wrong -- It is HARD! I mean REALLY hard. But so well worth it!!

You learn things about yourself when you take classes like this. I learned that I am INSANELY competitive. There was no way in hell I was going to let the 5'0, 100 pound instructor best me. I was NOT going to be the fat girl in the room that couldn't hack it and had to give up. I was the biggest girl there. I am about 6 pounds heavier than my friend that was with me -- I convinced 3 other friends to come with me. 2 are about 215 and 2 of us are in the 230's. We all made it through the class! If you do not know anything about zumba - you can check it out on youtube.com. You can burn about 1000 to 1200 calories in an hour. Our class was an hour and 15 minutes. I would love to add another class a week. It is something to work up to!

Anywho -- Those are my NSVs for the day!

Cheers,
Keb
289/238/to add one more Zumba class a week

http://thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com/

Today...

2009-09-29T19:29:00.001-07:00

Today was a long work day. Not as long as some - Not as short as others. 6:00 am to 3:30 p.m. The phone rang a couple of times and I was too busy to answer.

One of the calls was my Mom -- Once work was over, I rang her back. The bad news of the day is that Gary, the biological father, is sick. He has had Hep for ages. His liver is failing. He is not a candidate for transplant or live donor (or what ever is called). My brother, Josh, called and told my Mom that he has been really sick for the past couple of days.

She said she would give me his number so I could call and talk to him. I declined. I told her there is nothing that I really have to say to him. And after I said it -- I knew it was true. She said when he does die I will have unfinished business and feel bad about it. I told her no, I didn't really think so. I made my peace with not having a relationship with him a long time ago. The deal was really sealed when I took Lilly home last October. He had the opportunity to see us and chose to take his new girlfriend camping instead. Of course, as usual, he did not call to let me know that until the last minute. The last minute being after I had waited all day for him to call or show up. I had left him several voice mails and all of that. He never called.

I realized then that I was done. I was done waiting for him. I was done with him. I was never going to put my daughter through what I have spent a lifetime doing. Waiting for him to love me. I do not want Lilly to ever have to wonder about him, wonder if he will show up or wonder why he does not care. Or be upset because he put someone else above her.

Every thing I do, I do for her. And if that means being done with him. So be it.

I do care about him. Just as I care for someone that I knew once but never see. But not the love that a daughter has for a father. Hell, I would have offered to give him part of my liver - or however that works. I would offer that to any family member that needed it. Not necessarily out of love, but because I would help just about anyone.

What does this have to do with being a fat chick you ask?

Damn near everything.

The things that happen in our childhood shape the adults we become. And he had his fair share of shaping me -- That is for sure. But that is done now - I take full responsibility for who I am now. Good, bad or indifferent.

I wish him peace. I wish him better health and happiness.

Today's non scale victory!

2009-09-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am driving the car this afternoon and I look down and think -- "WOW! My thighs are getting smaller!" Then I realize - "Holy Shit!! I CAN SEE MY THIGHS!!!". There was no big belly hanging over them. I am getting my lap back. I haven't seen my upper thighs in ages.

Now I am looking forward to the day that I can see my own lady business without the help of mirrors and gymnastics.

Keb
289/239/to be able to put a soda between my thighs while driving and still see the soda (might make sense to no one but me)

http://thetruthaboutfatchicks.blogspot.com/

Self confidence vs. Self Esteem

2009-09-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

Self Confidence -

self-con⋅fi⋅dence

noun

realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.

2.	excessive or inflated confidence in one's own judgment, ability, etc.

Self Esteem is a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

Self Confidence is a realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.

How do the two differ to you? In this instance -- To me self esteem is thinking you can (or deserve) to wear something sexy. Self confidence is the actual ability to do it.

I was thinking a lot about this last night. I am gaining my self esteem again. I am TRYING so hard to get my self confidence back. I need to be able to do things for ME and no one else. I was getting dressed last night and went to put on some sexy undies (I had some that I used to fit into a while ago, didn't for awhile and do again) but I didn't put them on. It was in my head that no one would want to see me in them -- So why bother?

Later in the evening I thought -- Why bother? Because I wanted to see me in them. I wanted to wear them. Was that selfish of me? Maybe. But on some things - I need to be selfish. I need to see myself as sexual/sexy. I need to remember what silk feels like against my skin. I need to feel pretty. To be pretty. And to have someone else think I am those things. And to have someone else want to see me in something like that.

So the question is - How do I get my self confidence back? Just steal it away from what ever imaginary beast I think stole it from me? Just START doing things for myself?

It sounds so much easier than it is to actually do.

Some body give me back my damned self confidence -- and just a little extra self esteem too.

Signed,
A work in progress - still going commando

Self love

2009-09-23T05:58:00.000-07:00

No, not that kind!! Get our minds out of the gutter.

I was surfing around this morning and heard this -- or something like it and it struck a chord with me.

It's all about loving yourself no matter what size you are. And allowing others to love you too.

Just think how different our lives would be if we just loved ourselves a little bit more. I always think that I want to be pretty. I want to be sexy. I wish I could wear this or that. But I won't because I do not think I am deserving enough. I do not think it will look good. I do not think that anyone would take a fat woman wearing something dainty seriously. I am constantly afraid of what someone else would think of me.

All because I do not love myself enough.

So, from today on out - I am going to try to love myself more. I am going to allow others to love me too.

Fat Chicks and Belly Dancing

2009-09-22T19:56:00.001-07:00

OMG! Why didn't anyone tell me it was this much fun and this exhausting!?!?

My BFFs Ann and Steph and I went tonight -- Our first class. We are all big girls. There were 6 of us in the class. A woman that was a little older than me (maybe), a tall skinny chick that was there for the first time too and a girl who has been doing it since February. And then there is our teacher. Late 20's. Long dark hair. Pretty as all get out. And a drop dead body. And and AMAZING dancer!

I felt like a lumbering elephant. Not so much because of my size - but because I am SO uncoordinated. I felt like I was trying to dance on my hands. It is something I can see getting the hang of in the next decade or so. But it felt really good to be wiggling, shimmying and moving around. Of course, I was sweating like a pig. It is the kind of thing you really need to be wearing a small amount of clothing for -- But I won't do that to the other kind people that are in the class. But next week I will be wearing a shirt with shorter sleeves and maybe some shorts or something. I had on a 3/4 length shirt and shorter yoga pants tonight. Still hotter than hell.

The moves are sexy. Empowering. I am looking forward to being able to get a few of the moves right. Being able to shake my hips without my legs moving too. I LOVE the isolation part of belly dancing. I kept my hands at my sides most of the night. I think I will work on one body part at a time!;)

And -- Keeping in the continuity of my last post -- it is an EXTREME boost to the self esteem. Even tho I probably (did) look like a jackass. It just felt really good.

Soooo...Tuesday night belly dancing class -- Here we come!

BLOG DISCLAIMER

2009-09-21T20:45:00.001-07:00

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME.
DO NOT PITY ME.
THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT OR FOR.

Self Esteem

2009-09-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

Self Esteem

Self Esteem

Def:

self-es⋅teem

–noun

1.	a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

2.	an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

Where do we get it? How do we lose it? How do we get it back?

Self esteem for many of us (me) comes and goes through out a lifetime. How far back can you remember? Me? Back to when I was three. Many memories. Hardly any of them good. Wait, that is not true. Some of them were good. So many of them intense...strong. I remember the smell of pot. I remember seeing Three Dog Night (I think) in concert. A yellow can with wall to wall dark brown carpet. It smelled like the monkey cage at the Audubon Zoo. Can you tell I grew up with hippie parents? Parents that were way too young. A 17 year old mother that had no clue how to be a mother. Her mother was a horrible mother. Mean, abusive, a pill head -- The love of my life.

Grandmothers are different creatures than mothers. Wonderful, beautiful, different creatures that want to rectify all of the mistakes they made with their own children.

As I write this I worry about who will read it. Sorry, Mama. Sorry to anyone who sees themselves in it.

As a small child I remember abuse. Mental and physical. All at the hand of the person that I loves the most. Skip to 4 or 5 yeas old. Gary left. I remember the night. I remember laying in bed in the back bedroom at Grandmaw and Papa's and Mama telling me that he was gone an never coming back. I remember crying myself to sleep. He came back occasionally. An Easter Bunny the next year. It was pink. Gary had to find himself. Over 35 years later and he is still looking. Many relationships, 1 wife and 3 sons. He still seems to be looking. Or maybe he has found himself. I wouldn't know. We do not speak. He once told one of his girlfriends that he only had 2 sons. He had never been married before. I guess he forgot about my brother and me. How's that for a fucking blow to your self esteem? Your own father won't acknowledge you. Can you say a lifetime of Father/Daddy issues. And that was just the start.

Skip to age 7 -- My mother's new boyfriend appears. A child molesting, kiddy fucking, 400 pound fat fucker. Who the fuck finds a 7 year old fuckable? That fucking pig. Can you tell by the overuse of the word fuck that I am still bitter? Years of therapy, fucking anyone and everyone that would give me the time of day, two marriages and many bridges crossed and burned bring me here. Fucked and Fucked again.

Harsh words -- "Too fat for anyone to take you to the prom.", "Too ugly for anyone to love.", too stupid...to do whatever....Too fat to fuck, too fat to properly open a car door and get in and out without fucking it up. Too stupid to become anything of worth. No one will ever want you. Really!?!?!? You say these things to someone? You make someone feel this way!? Maybe you didn't know what your actions were doing. Maybe you were just trying to get your point across. Maybe you were just trying to make it "memorable". Not to worry - It was memorable alright. It is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It will stick with me every time I ever open a car door for the rest of my life.

That is how we lose self esteem. That is how we become who we are. That is how Fat Chicks get their self deprecating humor. That is how fat chicks learn to be fat chicks. Take their self esteem away and who gives a fuck how fat you are. The one thing that most fat chicks have going for them is "a pretty face". "you have such a pretty face....if only you would lose some weight." Oh yeah? What about the rest of me? The personality, the ability to tell jokes? The great tits? The fantastic legs? And all of the other things that make me who I am I am more than just a pretty face. Look a little deeper.

I saw a girl the other day at the grocery store -- A fat chick. She worked there. On first glance...greasy hair, clothes that were too tight, head hung down, not making eye contact. Look at her, fat and ugly. She doesn't take care of herself. I bet she is lazy too. My heart hurt for her. She stuck in my mind. Does any one love her? Has anyone told her that she is pretty? Just a little love and respect. A boost to the self esteem will make you take a shower, shave your legs, wash your hair -- Take a little care of your appearance. Her life would change with just a tiny bit of self esteem.

How do you get your own self esteem back? How did I get mine back? I spent years flip-flopping back and forth. I still fight it every day. I fight wanting to stay in bed, eating everything I see, not looking in the mirror and not answering the phone. I fight sitting with a bottle of pills next to me and occasionally thinking about...it.

BUT -- I have an 18 month old daughter. That is why I can't do those things. I have this tiny little person that depends on me for everything. That I can't kiss enough, that I cant love enough, that I cant respect enough. That I can't mother enough. That I can't be a good enough person for. That I can't be a good enough mother to. She loves me unconditionally. And there will never be a thing that will make me love her any less. Just the opposite really - Everything she does makes me love her more.

I had lap-band surgery for her on July 14th. I did it for her. So she wouldn't have to have a fat Mama. So she will never have to hear me say that I cant do something because I am too fat, too out of breath, because I can't do it. I want to be able to do everything with with her, for her.

I have friends who love me not matter how fat or thin I am. I have a husband who loves me no matter what a bitch I am. I have a lover who loves me. I have a family who loves me.

I wish you love.
I wish you enough love in your heart to love no matter what someone looks like.
I wish you enough love in your life to find your self esteem.
I wish you love and joy.
I wish you peace.
I wish you self esteem.

August 19, 2009

2009-09-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

All of the things you make me feel like I am not...

pretty
happy
young
desirable
sexual
equal
wanted
loved
sexy
huggable
needed
pretty

You make me feel that I am serviceable, like old shoes -- It breaks my heart and makes me feel like less of a person.

I want to feel those things. I need to feel those things. And I do not.

February 2, 2002

2009-09-19T22:14:00.002-07:00

Today you are Baba Yaga.
Revel.

Don't brush your hair, don't shave your chin, don't attempt to hide the hag that lives in the house on chicken legs in your brain.

Be ugly. Revel. Show your sharp, yellowed teeth, strike fear into the hearts of pale knights and paler maidens.

Cackle. Cackle like the sound of ice splitting up the length of the lake, to open to black deathly waters underneath.

If today you're the crone on the hill, be the crone on the hill.

She is wise. She is old, she is ugly and unafraid of warts or death or being alone. She is your secret: the bent, awful lady who knows how to poison apples.

Be violent. She is the aging maenad, hair ratted into dreadlocks that smell of old sex and fennel.

She has given her cunt up to the world and it ate the world whole and has all the magic in it.

Be her. Be Baba Yaga, today.

March 14, 1999

2009-09-19T22:14:00.001-07:00

Rejection

No -- you are too tall,
Thank you -- too fat
NEXT -- too ugly

Too LOUD
Too Funny
Too serious

Always too something --

Never good enough.
I'd love to be good enough at some point.

I don't have to be special all of the time --
Just some of the time.

To be taken seriously.

Not always have to quip the next dumb joke.

Look at me --

tell me I am beautiful --
Even if you have to lie.

look at me --

tell me I am interesting
Even if you have to lie.

Tell me you love me
Even if you have to lie.

I will be fine --

Just dont ever tell me that you lied.

I dont always need the truth.

I just need to be made to feel
special
loved
wanted
needed
useful
helpful
pretty
womanly
beautiful
feminine

dont reject me -- I cant take it right now.

Febuary 20, 1998

2009-09-19T22:10:00.000-07:00

I always spend my birthday alone during the day. I spend it reflecting on what the past year held and what the next year holds.

One of the things that I thought about today was the power that I give other people over me. I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. I let someone else's opinion of me give me my self worth. I know this isn't right. I realize that I should not do it. But, unfortunately, I do.

For most of my life -- I have heard -- "you have a very pretty face." As if that is all I am. Big eyes and full lips. Someone said something to me today --

you know, if you slimmed down & toned up a bit, you'd be quite the beauty ... you've got the face ... & the tits ... & the basic shape, I'd say, too ... *s*

I know this was meant as a compliment. But it cut me all the way to the core. It made my heart hurt. What do you say to something like that? It was not meant to hurt. But it did. My response was --

Yes, this is true -- and then maybe people will stop telling me that I have a pretty face and focus on some of my other qualities. I am actually quite bright and have tons of fascinating interests. And I am probably sincerely more sexual than most skinny chicks.
I have been thin you know. At my thinnest I was 185 -- rock hard body...only 7% body fat.

People still said I was too fat.

But, yeah -- I am working on it.

I allowed this to hurt me. I shouldn't have. But, I did.
I know part of it is how men look at women. The difference between the way men think about things and the way that women think about things. Men are visual, women are aural.

Too bad -- I do have alot going for me.

It is kinda funny. A man has the opportunity to be with me. Limitless possibilities. You want to try something kinky out -- and I'm your girl. You want to get your kink on -- I'll rock your world.

It is a headgame played out in my mind -- No matter how many times someone tells me that I am beautiful or sexual -- It just takes one person to put doubt in my mind. To make me feel like less of a person.

But, this too shall pass.

Onto other thoughts -- This will be a good year. A better year. I have found a ray of sunshine in my heart again. that helps alot. I have good friends rt and vt. I have family that loves me. March is baby time again. Another trip to another invitro Doctor. We shall see.

Starting this year -- I plan on not letting other people get to me so much. I will work at being happy and more accepting of myself. And stop being so hard on myself...

Welcome!

2009-09-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to The Truth About Fat Chicks. Ok - So maybe it is just this particular fat chick I am telling the truth about. But I do know a good bit about fat chicks having been one for the better part of the past 40 years.

Here are some truths about me.

I am a 39 year old mother, wife, lover, artist, free spirit, infertile woman, daily meditator (not a word, I know), practitioner of creative visualization, physical and sexual abuse survivor, daughter, sister, funny girl, recently lap-banded girl and still....a fat chick.

I will always be a fat chick at heart, no matter what I weigh. It is just part of who I am. It is what built this fabulous of self deprecating humor that I have. You know - Make fun of myself before anyone else can beat me to the punch.

I love to read - and write - hence the blog. Though one of my biggest problems is that I write like I talk. EeeekkK!

I am originally from the south - Bogalusa, Louisiana. That right there is enough to make anyone insane, funny and a generally well rounded individual. I have lived in New Jersey, Connecticut, Manhattan and Upstate NY, where I currently reside. After 22 years of living away from home, I still have a thick southern accent. I just can't shake it!

I am lucky enough to have an amazing 18 month old daughter, Lilly. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love her. I thought to myself tonight as I was wiping her nose - I am so lucky to be picking this angels nose for her. Strange I know - But it is true.

This blog will be a lot of things. A place I can post my private thoughts. A place where I can tell you about my life. A place I can tell you what it is like to be a fat chick. A place where I can post different things about other fat chicks. A place where I can talk openly and honestly about anything and everything. If you are shy, do not like vulgar language, do not like the beautiful (and occasional ugly) truth about life - this might not be the place for you. I have a habit of being cynical, vulgar, funny, bitchy, brutally honest and raunchy.

I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it.